When You See Only What You Want To See (Day 162)

Someone made an observation about me after communicating with them a couple of times. They noticed that I tend to see only what I want to see; meaning, that I understand things in the wrong way.

At first I was within myself like “But, how can that be possible if I try to be objective when I observe or listen to the information being shared?”, until today while watching a video and then, when giving it a second watch, I realized that “Hey, the first time I watched the video I understood something completely different to what I am understanding now”.

So, I asked myself “Why did that happen?” and in self-honesty I can say that I was not fully aware of what I was doing. I was watching the video, but at the same time having a chat and also concerned about a problem I had. 

It’s like for moments I am paying attention, but then I go into my mind. Then, I get back to my body/awareness and I listen to the information and ‘understand what I want to understand’ or what it’s related to what I was thinking of without even knowing where that information shared came from as a timeline to really understand what the person wanted to share from the beginning.

This has happened to me several times since last week and I can tell that’s because I have been keeping my mind preoccupied and that, creating intense emotions within myself that lead into imaginations, thoughts, inner dialogues, etc. while listening to other people, where I lose touch with what is here in my reality.

On the one hand, I realize that this is unacceptable because I am twisting information and then, once I believed what I wanted to believe, it leads me into acting in a certain way, making specific decisions, having specific thoughts/backchats - all biased because of misunderstanding the initial piece of information due to being distracted.

And on the other hand, this is not respectful also for the people I interact with, because I have even had to tell them “Wait a minute, I missed what you were saying” and they again have to repeat themselves, which is something that I wouldn’t like to be done onto me, because everyone wants to be paid attention when sharing, right?

Another dimension that I am able to see is that sometimes I believe what I want to believe because I already was approaching the new information from a belief that I myself created within myself. 

For instance when you go self-righteous about your interpretation in relation to others, and then, the next information only functions as more ‘evidence’ against them, like all they shared only adds more and more layers that won’t let me see reality, because they function as justifications for me to continue believing what I believe and as excuses for them, because in my mind they are only avoiding to be honest about a specific point, when actually the one that is not being honest with me is myself, because I was the one that immediately jumped into conclusions/assumptions instead of taking that information back to myself; acknowledging that I went into a reaction, giving a step back, breathing, releasing the emotional energy and when the energy's gone, approach the situation again once clear and stable within myself - and thus, avoid to be biased and creating an alternate reality within and as my mind system.

I will continue with the self-forgiveness statements on my next post.