sábado, 11 de marzo de 2017

Stuck in Emotional Energy [Day 165]


Recently I have been struggling with intense emotional energy due to having inner conflict that I blame on X. This emotional energy is interfering in all the other relationships I have in my external world. It’s like when I have a problem with X, I can’t do well at work, I don’t express myself through music as I always do, I even notice that my face feels straight with no life in it so to speak.

I have recently been experiencing pain on my right shoulder and even an eye effusion. I have caught myself ‘lost’ in this emotional energy and it seems hard sometimes for me to even identify/name the emotions, although I am able to recognize it’s negative energy, because it manifests in my solar plexus.

I have been in a constant state where I feel well and then I again go into the emotional energy and this has been increasing lately. For instance today I got angry due to something that was said by X and I felt like breaking stuff. I have no memories of me breaking stuff in the past, so this got me worried, because those violent intentions already manifested dimensionally within my mind.

So, in that moment I also noticed that I was enjoying the anger energy, because it somehow made me feel powerful. I also noticed how I wanted to punish X through not talking to them, isolating myself and even ignoring them deliberately. I can tell that what made me feel bad this time was that I took personal X’s behavior and I felt almost like being used and not appreciated. I also went into the victim character where I thought that I am giving too much of myself for this relationship to work while X’s contribution is not the same, that’s why I also felt as though X was taking advantage of me.

I have also been having problems within my communication with X, because when I share my perspective, X’s feedback seems to be a bit out of context and based on excuses.

Earlier X approached me and as soon as I saw this person walking into me, I noticed how I became crossed. This person asked “what’s going on with you?”, but I didn’t want to talk and just say “I don’t want to see you right now. I will talk to you though” and as this person started insisting I preferred not to look at them and even avoid eye contact until they left the room.

It’s like there’s this hopelessness within myself and I am starting to become tired of experiencing this emotional energy. I always try to speak with X and find solutions, but I am starting to think “this is not working and I don’t to repeat the same speed over and over again, because it’s them that have to also contribute with their 50%, but I can’t force them or convince them”.

I know that there’s no way that they are making me feel this way, because it’s all my creation and that I project it into X. Therefore, as it is my own creation I will start by forgiving the shit in my head.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “They sent me a nice and cute message on Whatsapp only because they were going to change plans, therefore, they are manipulating me to get what they want without me feeling bad about it”, when actually it’s me manipulating myself by projecting into X the mechanisms I have applied with my parents since I was a child, where every time I wanted to get something, I would try to trigger some positive energy on them first, and then ask for what I really wanted/needed, because if I didn’t do that, I knew that their response was going to be “no”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “I am doing more for this relationship than X” without realizing that in doing that I am comparing myself through playing the victim character where I see myself as inferior for doing more, where the only thing that I am doing there is playing the polarity game that keeps me trapped and only seeing things uni-dimensionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when making X’s words personal, because I thought that X was playing me fool, when actually it was me playing me fool through reacting to my thoughts, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can make the decision to change who and how I want to be in my relationship with my thoughts, feelings and emotions and that that automated response does not have to be perpetuated over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have remained loyal to my emotional interpretations and reactions, instead of remaining loyal to myself as who I really am as my utmost potential; meaning, walking through this, standing up and not accepting and allowing myself to react, but instead, stop my participation in the energetic experience through taking a deep breath, forgive myself and then have a look again at the point with clarity in order to find practical and commonsensical solutions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the anger energy, because I felt empowered, without realizing that anger is a system, it’s not real empowerment, because what it’s real goes beyond the mind as the life/substance that’s physical  without the influence of mind programming and also because real empowerment is a decision to be lived and in no way an emotional reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to break stuff as though in doing that, I was going to solve my inner conflict, without realizing that in doing so, I was going to create compromising consequences and zero support to myself, because I would have ended up like “I fucked it up. This was not necessary, because what I have to do is to direct myself and not act from the emotion”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost within the emotional reactions that come up when I have thoughts and backchats in relation to X, where I convince myself that “I can’t identify the emotions” and the self-forgiveness statements go repetitive over time, without understanding that self-forgiveness with no practical application is useless, that’s why I am being able to really stop this shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that if I am not clear within myself in relation that what’s really going on inside of me, I won’t be able to be clear in my communication with anyone, because first, I have to understand what are the emotions involved in order to release them and then, stop the pattern and be able to speak with clarity, so I can explain myself better and thus, others can understand my point better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear acknowledging that one of the biggest emotions that exist within myself in relation to X is jealousy, which activates through the thoughts I accept and allow to believe within my mind, because as I do not stop them, then I start going into imaginations where I imagine all sorts of bullshit that the only thing I get through that is feeling worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have channelled this emotional energy towards other relationships I have in my external world, such as my job, music and other responsibilities, such as the DIP and educating myself through reading, writing, exploring points; basically losing touch with myself and with what I really enjoy doing, which is expressing myself in multiple fields.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have place my relationship with X as a priority in terms of always being available for them, therefore, when I do not see reciprocity in the way that I would like it to be manifested, I make it personal and go into patterns of jealousy, sadness, worry, fear, anger, frustrations, helplessness, comparison, and lots of imaginations which ends up in paranoia, that’s why I am not really here and I get stuck.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the relationship which must be a priority is the relationship with myself first and foremost, because if the relationshipI have with myself is of inner conflict, projecting blame, anger, etc - that’s what I am going to create outside, while if I create solutions for myself, that’s what I am going to manifest towards my external world/relationships; meaning, if I am stuck within myself, I will be stuck in all my other relationships, but if I push myself to walk through this and find solutions, I will also move and find solutions within the other fields where I express myself, such as my job, music, DIP, etc.

More to come on my next post…

viernes, 10 de marzo de 2017

The Liar Character Within Me [Day 164]


Today I would like to share how I found the Liar Character within me and how throughout my life I had defined myself as someone honest that spoke the truth without realizing where the Liar Character was hiding. It was in words, but not all the words, that’s the point.

I realized this point by first being an observer, for instance when people shared information - especially girlfriends - I didn’t like that they were not very specific when I asked them questions. I wanted all the details, otherwise I thought they were lying when the information was not clear.

So, I in a moment when going to share an anecdote during last week, I had already in my mind how I was going to do it, not like ‘planned’, but more in real time seeing the words in my mind before speaking them - and I noticed that I wanted to hide myself from something. So, I didn’t mention ‘I’ in my mind, because I wanted to avoid saying that I said/did something. And I realized that it was because there was a more involved level of participation in me, in the sense of having done something that I wouldn’t have liked to be done unto me.

Therefore, in my mind I was not going to mention something I did/said, but instead presented as 'it just happened and it's not relevant who created it'. But, in that moment I decided to do something that I had never done. I told the person “You know, there was some parts of the information that I was going to hide while I was telling you about this anecdote” and then I started opening up the point for myself and explained to the other person why I was going to hide in a way of sharing how I detected the ‘lies virus’ so to speak.

I realized that I feared being judged for doing it, that’s why I wanted to keep an ‘acceptable image’ and also avoid a possible argument that was only possible in my mind, because when I mentioned this to the other person, there was apparently nothing wrong with the fact of speaking about it. But this person said “I bet if I had done/said what you did, you would have become upset at me”.

So, I judged myself for having done something that I wouldn’t have liked it to be done ‘onto me’, which was basically opening back doors. But, within this I realized that I was doing nothing ‘wrong’ really, it’s just that if that other person had done what I did, I would have reacted in anger and jealousy

Another dimension that I am able to see now is that there was this desire within myself to have this person doing the same. Like “Hey, I am telling you this, so you have to do the same and tell me everything and not hide behind words”; meaning, doing it for myself, but also kind of forcing the other person to be like me, because I think that they tend to always hide behind white lies which is something that I myself have been doing, but never corrected within myself first honestly.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the words that I speak/don’t speak because I fear what others may think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my self-definition of being an honest person that always tells the truth of the events if I am to tell the truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed more value on my self-created definition of being an honest person, instead of really listening to myself and seeing the words that I share when I speak with other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences that may take place if I am to mention my responsibility in front of others when I am sharing an anecdote, instead of unconditionally stand up in the consequences and be able to see for myself what’s beyond my own fear and self-judgments.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into pauses within my speech when I am not telling the truth, because within my mind I am changing the words in order to make the version sound in a way that I wouldn’t judge if I were someone else listening to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that other people will judge me for what I have done, without realizing that what happens there it’s me projecting my own judgments and morality towards them which is reflected back to myself for me to take responsibility for it, instead of hiding. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dare to open up this point in front of X only because I have judged them as a liar that hides information from me, so I was in an attempt to tell them “You see? This is what you have to do as well. Learn from me”, without realizing that in doing that, I was not fully doing it for myself, because I went into separation, which means that I was not even being true/honest with myself = I was lying to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided to open up about how I found lies behind my words in front of X from my superior/arrogant character in an attempt to persuade them to do the same, because if they did so, I would feel that I am being told the truth and I would believe that now they are being more honest and that they deserve to have a relationship with me, when actually whom I have to teach is myself so to speak, because I am the one who has not fully learned nor applied this realization in my life as a decision to really change the patterns that I judge in others.

Self-Commitments


When and as I see myself hiding behind words I stop and breathe. I realize that I am doing so because I fear what other people think of me and also because I fear losing my self-created definition of an honest person that always tells the truth, without realizing that in attaching myself to a belief of me being an honest person, I am actually deceiving myself, because I am be-LIE-ving it, not be-LIVING it.

I commit myself to drop my self-created definition/belief of being an honest person that always tells the truth and to start really seeing and listening to my words when I speak/write, especially the intentions behind it, so I can get to know myself better and thus, change myself for the better.

When and as I see myself trying to teach someone as my superior/arrogant character by sharing how I am identifying patterns, such as the liar character, I stop and breathe. I realize that I can’t teach anything, because I have just identified the pattern, but I haven’t yet applied/lived the real change that needs to take place first, which means that I am in the beginning of the process; where still much work remains to be able to share solutions that I have tested by myself in self-honesty.

I commit myself to only share what I have changed and tested for myself within my personal process.

I commit myself to share solutions instead of trying to force or persuade someone to do something, because the one who has to live the change is me - it does not work as “I realize it, but you apply it”. It’s my own responsibility and each one must realize it for themselves to be genuine and real.