Ir al contenido principal

The Liar Character Within Me [Day 164]


Today I would like to share how I found the Liar Character within me and how throughout my life I had defined myself as someone honest that spoke the truth without realizing where the Liar Character was hiding. It was in words, but not all the words, that’s the point.

I realized this point by first being an observer, for instance when people shared information - especially girlfriends - I didn’t like that they were not very specific when I asked them questions. I wanted all the details, otherwise I thought they were lying when the information was not clear.

So, I in a moment when going to share an anecdote during last week, I had already in my mind how I was going to do it, not like ‘planned’, but more in real time seeing the words in my mind before speaking them - and I noticed that I wanted to hide myself from something. So, I didn’t mention ‘I’ in my mind, because I wanted to avoid saying that I said/did something. And I realized that it was because there was a more involved level of participation in me, in the sense of having done something that I wouldn’t have liked to be done unto me.

Therefore, in my mind I was not going to mention something I did/said, but instead presented as 'it just happened and it's not relevant who created it'. But, in that moment I decided to do something that I had never done. I told the person “You know, there was some parts of the information that I was going to hide while I was telling you about this anecdote” and then I started opening up the point for myself and explained to the other person why I was going to hide in a way of sharing how I detected the ‘lies virus’ so to speak.

I realized that I feared being judged for doing it, that’s why I wanted to keep an ‘acceptable image’ and also avoid a possible argument that was only possible in my mind, because when I mentioned this to the other person, there was apparently nothing wrong with the fact of speaking about it. But this person said “I bet if I had done/said what you did, you would have become upset at me”.

So, I judged myself for having done something that I wouldn’t have liked it to be done ‘onto me’, which was basically opening back doors. But, within this I realized that I was doing nothing ‘wrong’ really, it’s just that if that other person had done what I did, I would have reacted in anger and jealousy

Another dimension that I am able to see now is that there was this desire within myself to have this person doing the same. Like “Hey, I am telling you this, so you have to do the same and tell me everything and not hide behind words”; meaning, doing it for myself, but also kind of forcing the other person to be like me, because I think that they tend to always hide behind white lies which is something that I myself have been doing, but never corrected within myself first honestly.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the words that I speak/don’t speak because I fear what others may think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my self-definition of being an honest person that always tells the truth of the events if I am to tell the truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed more value on my self-created definition of being an honest person, instead of really listening to myself and seeing the words that I share when I speak with other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences that may take place if I am to mention my responsibility in front of others when I am sharing an anecdote, instead of unconditionally stand up in the consequences and be able to see for myself what’s beyond my own fear and self-judgments.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into pauses within my speech when I am not telling the truth, because within my mind I am changing the words in order to make the version sound in a way that I wouldn’t judge if I were someone else listening to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that other people will judge me for what I have done, without realizing that what happens there it’s me projecting my own judgments and morality towards them which is reflected back to myself for me to take responsibility for it, instead of hiding. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dare to open up this point in front of X only because I have judged them as a liar that hides information from me, so I was in an attempt to tell them “You see? This is what you have to do as well. Learn from me”, without realizing that in doing that, I was not fully doing it for myself, because I went into separation, which means that I was not even being true/honest with myself = I was lying to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided to open up about how I found lies behind my words in front of X from my superior/arrogant character in an attempt to persuade them to do the same, because if they did so, I would feel that I am being told the truth and I would believe that now they are being more honest and that they deserve to have a relationship with me, when actually whom I have to teach is myself so to speak, because I am the one who has not fully learned nor applied this realization in my life as a decision to really change the patterns that I judge in others.

Self-Commitments


When and as I see myself hiding behind words I stop and breathe. I realize that I am doing so because I fear what other people think of me and also because I fear losing my self-created definition of an honest person that always tells the truth, without realizing that in attaching myself to a belief of me being an honest person, I am actually deceiving myself, because I am be-LIE-ving it, not be-LIVING it.

I commit myself to drop my self-created definition/belief of being an honest person that always tells the truth and to start really seeing and listening to my words when I speak/write, especially the intentions behind it, so I can get to know myself better and thus, change myself for the better.

When and as I see myself trying to teach someone as my superior/arrogant character by sharing how I am identifying patterns, such as the liar character, I stop and breathe. I realize that I can’t teach anything, because I have just identified the pattern, but I haven’t yet applied/lived the real change that needs to take place first, which means that I am in the beginning of the process; where still much work remains to be able to share solutions that I have tested by myself in self-honesty.

I commit myself to only share what I have changed and tested for myself within my personal process.

I commit myself to share solutions instead of trying to force or persuade someone to do something, because the one who has to live the change is me - it does not work as “I realize it, but you apply it”. It’s my own responsibility and each one must realize it for themselves to be genuine and real. 

Comentarios

Entradas populares de este blog

Getting Angry with Students (Day 30)

Within my job as a teacher I can remember a few moments in which I took things personal, but they happened during my first year. Now, I am on my third year as a teacher and it's hard for me to get angry with students, because I prefer to address the issue through communication and agreements.
Today, I got angry with a student and I didn't even realize it until another student that was next to me said "teacher, don't get angry".
The scenario went as it follows:
Students were presenting oral reports. Before they start, I take the time to tell the class that they have to be quiet while their classmates are performing, because I have to assess them and if there's too much noise, I can't hear very well.
It was hard to me to keep them completely quiet today - teachers know that not all lessons with the same class work the same due to different factors -. So, I had to constantly stop and say "guys, be quiet. Your classmates are performing". That happened d…

When You See Only What You Want To See (Day 162)

Someone made an observation about me after communicating with them a couple of times. They noticed that I tend to see only what I want to see; meaning, that I understand things in the wrong way.

At first I was within myself like “But, how can that be possible if I try to be objective when I observe or listen to the information being shared?”, until today while watching a video and then, when giving it a second watch, I realized that “Hey, the first time I watched the video I understood something completely different to what I am understanding now”.
So, I asked myself “Why did that happen?” and in self-honesty I can say that I was not fully aware of what I was doing. I was watching the video, but at the same time having a chat and also concerned about a problem I had. 
It’s like for moments I am paying attention, but then I go into my mind. Then, I get back to my body/awareness and I listen to the information and ‘understand what I want to understand’ or what it’s related to what I was t…

Energy-Based Relationships (Day 158)

Today I woke up with this feeling of loss, like I ‘had’ something that I was somehow losing. I realized that it’s energy. It’s the positive energy that I have been unconsciously creating within myself by spending time with X.

The way this came up was as fear; fear of losing, but more specifically, fear of not being ‘loved’ or that everything that X could possibly develop as energy towards myself was decaying. So, in the back of my mind, there was this idea that in order for me to be 'loved'/'liked', I required some energy.
I have realized that this emotional shifts happen when I believe in my thoughts when I am alone or when I judge what X shares with me. These shifts happen very fast and I realize that I activate the pattern but I become aware of it once already being in the emotional reaction.
When this happens, I tend to go “This is not gonna work. They are not feeling the same. They are faking it. This is only a game”, when actually the one that is participating in …