sábado, 29 de abril de 2017

Skeletons in the Closet [Day 167]


Some days ago I was told something that had been hidden from me because this person thought that if I was to find out, consequences were going to manifest, such as making the decision to no longer continue our relationship; fear of loss I suppose and fear of facing consequences.

During the last couple of days I have been seeing this event from different perspectives rather than just reacting out of emotional energy, because I have learned that when we immediately react, you are not able to see things clearly and you may say or do things that you will eventually regret.

In terms of what’s going on inside me, it is interesting, because I thought I would experience myself more energetically charged, I mean, a sort of intense and depressed mind state for instance.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t catch myself experiencing emotions in moments where everything’s going well. But, in such moments - where I trip over Pain and Disappointment - I remind myself that no matter what the other person does or does not, I am still here and I still have myself to support myself in walking through this experience that I have also experienced many times in the past, therefore, instead of sinking into the emotions that come from thoughts/backchats that tell me that I have been betrayed, fooled, used, cheated, etc, I decide to take responsibility by focusing on myself instead of blaming the other person.

in situations like this, you tend to feel hurt and then, it activates a pattern where after feeling hurt, you experience anger and even desires of revenge can come up in your mind. Also, you might think “If they did this to me, then I have the right to pay back with the same and they will not be allowed to complain about my actions, because they already did the same, plus they have to experience themselves how it feels to be in my shoes, so they can really learn from this to not do it again” - kind of punishing them emotionally and taking advantage of the situation through justifications which are only part of self-manipulation.

There’s one thing that is clear here for me and that is that I won’t change myself into an expression that is not supportive for me and for others, I mean, I won’t let this situation affect me as it did in the past. I decide to stand up and no matter what, continue walking through situations like these unconditionally, not for others, but for myself, because that’s all I got = ME

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience Pain and Disappointment within myself after being told something that had been hidden from me, because I felt like being fooled and cheated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when I have been lied or cheated - that I have to feel bad and inferior as though I have lost an important part of me that constitutes who I am, when actually what constitutes who I am is what I accept and allow to do in every moment, even when they are sour situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have changed my behavior in front of the person that lied to me when the memory of what they did activates within my mind, because I become distant and within my mind the backchat says “Wait a second, remember that they did this and that — be careful; do not believe in what they say or do”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced disgust/revulsion towards this person every time I remember what they did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can’t forgive this person for what they did when actually, before being able to forgive them, I have to forgive myself first for similar actions that I have done and never took responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hidden information from other people in relation to what I have done, because if I am to tell them, I fear that our relationship might break up, without realizing that the more I hide with secrets and the guilt they bring, the worst the consequences will be for the relationship when the truth reveals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have feared facing the consequences of my actions, that’s why I’ve kept skeletons in my closet, instead of realizing that it’s a matter of honor, self-responsibility, self-honesty and consideration to face and then correct what I have done that is of no support for my relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached myself to morality when it comes to the polarity of Truth v/s Lies, because I have thought and believed that people that lie are ‘bad’ and people that tells the truth are ‘good’, without realizing that that very thought/belief has limited myself, because no one wants to be bad, that’s why we hide the ‘bad’ in order to remain ‘good’, which is in essence self-dishonest, because it is a mask that we use to hide that which we fear to change for the best; it’s an indication that the more we hide, the more we are limiting our own self-change, self-growth and self-expansion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have preferred to remain hidden with secrets that do not honor my relationship with people, without realizing that in doing that, I am creating distrust instead of what everyone wants, which is Trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created distrust in my relationships with other people when actually I have always wanted Trust to be a strong principle within those relationships, but my actions end up being completely different to my intensions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the courage and bravery to even explore or question that which I hide in order to at least show a little interest in changing that which I know it’s not a contribution for myself nor for any relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have feared that I am going to receive a sort of punishment if I dare to speak the truth, without realizing that that punishment is only an idea/belief that I am creating and keeping due to past experiences in previous relationships that have nothing to do with my current moment/reality.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can’t change my current moment/reality due to past experiences in previous relationships, without realizing that in doing that, I am perpetuating the past and letting it permeate my present which is where I have the directive principle to change.

I will continue on my next post…

sábado, 1 de abril de 2017

Part II: Stuck in Emotional Energy [Day 166]


This is a continuation from my previous post. I was reading it earlier and also listened to an interview on Eqafe called ‘When stopping thoughts is not enough’, which pretty much describes how I have been experiencing myself, where the self-forgiveness statements I have written down and even sounded became repetitive and more as a response to the mind state I was experiencing than a real solution.

I mentioned in my previous post that I was having problems with identifying the energies involved and it was because I was stopping my thoughts on the surface level only, but not going beyond; meaning, exploring my subconscious mind by identifying/naming the energies.

I also noticed that I was not able to identify the emotional energy, because I was busy following thoughts that then lead into imaginations, therefore my mind was creating imaginations through me following thoughts, while forgetting about my physical body, but only feeling trapped in the energy that was possessing me so to speak.

This also led me into not being able to communicate effectively when having the chance to talk, because in such moments where I am reacting within myself, there are people around me that know me very well and they notice when I am shifted into my mind because they observe my unconscious mind through my behavior/facial gestures. 

So, again; if I am not clear within myself and I am busy creating energy through imaginations, I won’t be able to communicate effectively, that’s why my response in such cases is avoidance, which is not something ‘bad’, per se, because if I am not ready to speak, not speaking is an option, but the problem is when it becomes a pattern where I end up not even communicating with myself and trying to avoid communication because apparently ‘I am not ready’, which is an excuse, because I am not pushing myself to explore and define the energy within myself. 

So, I have been applying something that was mentioned in the interview which is focusing on the energy instead of the thoughts, which is the opposite that I was doing, because I was kind of playing ping pong with my conscious mind, but the origin of the mind state I was experiencing is in my subconscious mind.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted with my thoughts by following them and then going into imaginations, where I forgot how my physical body was being influenced by the energy that I was creating through imaginations created by my own thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used self-forgiveness as a response to my thoughts instead of really going deeper in exploring what exists in my subconscious mind by focusing on the energy I am experiencing first and foremost and thus, find practical solutions where I can express myself instead of participating in programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so overwhelmed by the emotional energy that I thought that I was not able to name it and as a consequence, not able to ‘get out’ of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am weaker than energy when I am not able to name the exact emotion that it is possessing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped in the belief that I myself created where I think that it’s not possible for me to move on if I am not able to deal with the emotional energy, but instead of focusing on the energy, I was busy entertaining my mind by thinking thoughts. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created pages and pages of self-forgiveness where there’s no commitments in relation to what I am going to start living so as to change myself in relation to stopping the patterns that keep me trapped, because I was only using self-forgiveness as a response to my thoughts, instead of addressing the energy involved.

Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself feeling trapped by emotional energy, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am trapped because I am following thoughts that then lead into imagination, that’s why I forget about my physical body and only feel it possessed by energy.

I commit myself to placing my focus on the energy I am experiencing when I go into emotions, instead of following thoughts.

When and as I see myself blaming people for the way I feel, as though it was their fault that I am experiencing myself that way I do, I stop and breathe. I realize that blaming people for the way I feel is useless, because I am the one who is responsible for myself; meaning, all that I am experiencing as energy is my creation due to participating in my mind and getting lost in thoughts instead of really stopping myself in the moment and focusing on my body, so as to release the energy .

I commit myself to stop blaming people for the way I feel and instead, I commit myself to take full responsibility for my mind and the energy I built through following thoughts.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am weaker than the energy that I am creating, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am giving my power away to the mind by creating my own belief as self-limitation instead of supporting myself to move on and stop the pattern.

I commit myself to practice embracing the energy when I see myself experiencing intense emotions so I can focus on it, understand it, name it and thus, be able to release it and see more clearly and thus, align myself to the physical.

When and as I see myself reacting in anger and wanting to break stuff, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am experiencing those desires because anger gives me the illusion of being ‘empowered’, when actually real empowerment is constructive and not destructive, and instead of wanting to break stuff, I can choose to calm myself down and find a solution in self-honesty that is the best for me and the best for all.


I commit myself to breathe through the anger energy when I feel like breaking stuff so as to release it and then, I commit myself to ground myself here, move slower and with care so I can physically calm myself down instead of reacting.