Ir al contenido principal

Skeletons in the Closet [Day 167]


Some days ago I was told something that had been hidden from me because this person thought that if I was to find out, consequences were going to manifest, such as making the decision to no longer continue our relationship; fear of loss I suppose and fear of facing consequences.

During the last couple of days I have been seeing this event from different perspectives rather than just reacting out of emotional energy, because I have learned that when we immediately react, you are not able to see things clearly and you may say or do things that you will eventually regret.

In terms of what’s going on inside me, it is interesting, because I thought I would experience myself more energetically charged, I mean, a sort of intense and depressed mind state for instance.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t catch myself experiencing emotions in moments where everything’s going well. But, in such moments - where I trip over Pain and Disappointment - I remind myself that no matter what the other person does or does not, I am still here and I still have myself to support myself in walking through this experience that I have also experienced many times in the past, therefore, instead of sinking into the emotions that come from thoughts/backchats that tell me that I have been betrayed, fooled, used, cheated, etc, I decide to take responsibility by focusing on myself instead of blaming the other person.

in situations like this, you tend to feel hurt and then, it activates a pattern where after feeling hurt, you experience anger and even desires of revenge can come up in your mind. Also, you might think “If they did this to me, then I have the right to pay back with the same and they will not be allowed to complain about my actions, because they already did the same, plus they have to experience themselves how it feels to be in my shoes, so they can really learn from this to not do it again” - kind of punishing them emotionally and taking advantage of the situation through justifications which are only part of self-manipulation.

There’s one thing that is clear here for me and that is that I won’t change myself into an expression that is not supportive for me and for others, I mean, I won’t let this situation affect me as it did in the past. I decide to stand up and no matter what, continue walking through situations like these unconditionally, not for others, but for myself, because that’s all I got = ME

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience Pain and Disappointment within myself after being told something that had been hidden from me, because I felt like being fooled and cheated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when I have been lied or cheated - that I have to feel bad and inferior as though I have lost an important part of me that constitutes who I am, when actually what constitutes who I am is what I accept and allow to do in every moment, even when they are sour situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have changed my behavior in front of the person that lied to me when the memory of what they did activates within my mind, because I become distant and within my mind the backchat says “Wait a second, remember that they did this and that — be careful; do not believe in what they say or do”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced disgust/revulsion towards this person every time I remember what they did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can’t forgive this person for what they did when actually, before being able to forgive them, I have to forgive myself first for similar actions that I have done and never took responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hidden information from other people in relation to what I have done, because if I am to tell them, I fear that our relationship might break up, without realizing that the more I hide with secrets and the guilt they bring, the worst the consequences will be for the relationship when the truth reveals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have feared facing the consequences of my actions, that’s why I’ve kept skeletons in my closet, instead of realizing that it’s a matter of honor, self-responsibility, self-honesty and consideration to face and then correct what I have done that is of no support for my relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached myself to morality when it comes to the polarity of Truth v/s Lies, because I have thought and believed that people that lie are ‘bad’ and people that tells the truth are ‘good’, without realizing that that very thought/belief has limited myself, because no one wants to be bad, that’s why we hide the ‘bad’ in order to remain ‘good’, which is in essence self-dishonest, because it is a mask that we use to hide that which we fear to change for the best; it’s an indication that the more we hide, the more we are limiting our own self-change, self-growth and self-expansion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have preferred to remain hidden with secrets that do not honor my relationship with people, without realizing that in doing that, I am creating distrust instead of what everyone wants, which is Trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created distrust in my relationships with other people when actually I have always wanted Trust to be a strong principle within those relationships, but my actions end up being completely different to my intensions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the courage and bravery to even explore or question that which I hide in order to at least show a little interest in changing that which I know it’s not a contribution for myself nor for any relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have feared that I am going to receive a sort of punishment if I dare to speak the truth, without realizing that that punishment is only an idea/belief that I am creating and keeping due to past experiences in previous relationships that have nothing to do with my current moment/reality.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can’t change my current moment/reality due to past experiences in previous relationships, without realizing that in doing that, I am perpetuating the past and letting it permeate my present which is where I have the directive principle to change.

I will continue on my next post…

Comentarios

Entradas populares de este blog

Getting Angry with Students (Day 30)

Within my job as a teacher I can remember a few moments in which I took things personal, but they happened during my first year. Now, I am on my third year as a teacher and it's hard for me to get angry with students, because I prefer to address the issue through communication and agreements.
Today, I got angry with a student and I didn't even realize it until another student that was next to me said "teacher, don't get angry".
The scenario went as it follows:
Students were presenting oral reports. Before they start, I take the time to tell the class that they have to be quiet while their classmates are performing, because I have to assess them and if there's too much noise, I can't hear very well.
It was hard to me to keep them completely quiet today - teachers know that not all lessons with the same class work the same due to different factors -. So, I had to constantly stop and say "guys, be quiet. Your classmates are performing". That happened d…

When You See Only What You Want To See (Day 162)

Someone made an observation about me after communicating with them a couple of times. They noticed that I tend to see only what I want to see; meaning, that I understand things in the wrong way.

At first I was within myself like “But, how can that be possible if I try to be objective when I observe or listen to the information being shared?”, until today while watching a video and then, when giving it a second watch, I realized that “Hey, the first time I watched the video I understood something completely different to what I am understanding now”.
So, I asked myself “Why did that happen?” and in self-honesty I can say that I was not fully aware of what I was doing. I was watching the video, but at the same time having a chat and also concerned about a problem I had. 
It’s like for moments I am paying attention, but then I go into my mind. Then, I get back to my body/awareness and I listen to the information and ‘understand what I want to understand’ or what it’s related to what I was t…

Energy-Based Relationships (Day 158)

Today I woke up with this feeling of loss, like I ‘had’ something that I was somehow losing. I realized that it’s energy. It’s the positive energy that I have been unconsciously creating within myself by spending time with X.

The way this came up was as fear; fear of losing, but more specifically, fear of not being ‘loved’ or that everything that X could possibly develop as energy towards myself was decaying. So, in the back of my mind, there was this idea that in order for me to be 'loved'/'liked', I required some energy.
I have realized that this emotional shifts happen when I believe in my thoughts when I am alone or when I judge what X shares with me. These shifts happen very fast and I realize that I activate the pattern but I become aware of it once already being in the emotional reaction.
When this happens, I tend to go “This is not gonna work. They are not feeling the same. They are faking it. This is only a game”, when actually the one that is participating in …