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Mostrando entradas de junio, 2017

Mr. Nice [Day 174]

I read a conversation between two people where they were talking about me. Person A was sharing a ‘problem’ that had had with me, while Person B was judged by me as Mr. Nice, because they were not supporting Person A, but adding more to the problem. What I mean by ‘adding more’ = no practical support, but continue talking about the same thing, without a solution, but only supporting Person A’s words without questioning them.

What I didn’t like was that for instance Person A was saying stuff like “He said/did this and that, fuck him”, while Person B went “Yes, that’s too bad,he is wrong, I understand what you are going through. Fuck him”, without even knowing me in person, without even talking to me once at least. So, I went within myself “This person thinks they know me? Plus, Person A’s arguments were an interpretation of the events, so Person B was basically reacting to Person A’s reaction. That’s why I say it was not supportive, but reactive.
Why did I judge Person B as ‘Mr. Nice’? …

Manipulation Through Smiling? [Day 173]

Today someone approached me at work and as I noticed that this person was like very energetic in their expression I tried not to be influenced by them, but making sure that I was paying attention to their words and also being honest in answering what they were asking.

This person was smiling a lot and moving their body as dancing while asking me to sign some papers and when I asked “Is that all?”, they said “You’re mean” kind of kidding while simultaneously smiling and acting nice.

I thought “Maybe they think that I am mean because they were not able to manipulate me with the influence of their expression, because I didn’t respond as energetically charged as they are”.

I can also see that before having this person approaching me, I was watching a live concert on my laptop and when this person approached me, another colleague said “Oh, they fucked your concert up”, as though the person approaching me was interrupting me.

Besides that, I noticed that I judged them while they were speaki…

Lying For a Good Cause [Day 172]

I have lied to someone in ‘power’ for a good cause. This person found out through immediately following me, they confronted me saying that what I had done was a huge lack of respect and things like that. When I wanted to explain myself, this person was leaving, so I said “But, listen to me. I already listened to you, the idea is to share both perspectives; that’s communication”, so this person listened to me. After listening to me they left saying that they were going to inform another person ‘in charge’.

The reason I lied was to keep some vulnerable kids safe, because they were outside and asked to remain outside due to policy. So, as I have free access to that place, they asked me whether they could come in with me, so I agreed with a condition I made sure they did.

So, here I am ‘transgressing’ someone’s ‘authority’ for a ‘good cause’ that goes beyond policy. I understand the way that I can be judged or accused, but at the same time I know I did something ‘good’. I also understand …

Do You Fear Speaking in Public? [Day 171]

There was a moment where I had to speak in front of people where I don’t usually talk much and I noticed some changes in my body that became as an obstacle for me to express myself.

Despite working as a teacher and having to speak in front of students and parents, there are moments where when having to speak I feel uncomfortable in my physical body. That day I noticed how my heart started beating faster, like a rush of adrenaline. Due to being accelerated physically, I could not articulate some words effectively and I had to stop for a quick moment, repeat again the words correctly and continue, but while doing this, I suddenly lost the thread of what I was saying, I made a quick sort of conclusion, but I could have explained myself better if I didn’t lose the point of what I was saying.

It was like when rapping or singing freestyle, it’s perfect when it rhymes, but sometimes you miss the word that rhymes so you can’t continue rapping. But it is different when I write it down first, …

Stressed Out Within Communication? [Day 170]

Lately I have noticed that when I communicate with people orally or written, especially when they ask questions or when I have to explain something, that I go in-a-rush mode. I try to speak/write/type really fast in order to answer or explain as quick as possible. The problem is that the message I share in such moments ends up being not clear and as a consequence, I have to repeat myself, which leads me to even taking longer in explaining and answering lol.

I can also see the backchat within myself that goes “Why are they asking too much questions? Leave me alone. Stop asking, because I don’t want to answer/explain now”.

Another problem that I am able to identify is that - due to wanting to speak quick - I do not explain myself well and I take for granted that they have a similar understanding in specific topics, so I skip certain information that if I was to mention it, the message would be much clearer for the other person to be grasped.

So, as a consequence, I am not speaking clea…

When Partners Have Similar Traits that Remind Us of Our Parents [Day 169]

I have been looking at this point where you whether consciously or unconsciously look for your parents’ traits in relationships. I’d dare to say that it happens more on the unconscious level, that’s why we sometimes wonder “Why do I always end up having a relationship with males/females that share similar traits?”.
There may be many reasons why people look for their parents in their relationships/partners, but that’s a point each one must investigate. But, in my case I have observed that I like it when partners care about me in very similar ways that my parents did, for instance when they cook for you, when they remind you about your duties, when they do things for you and even when they talk to you straight forward and tell you off for you to correct a specific behavior.

In the case of some females, I have heard that they unwittingly look for their fathers’ traits - mentally and/or physically -  in their partners, where they can feel ‘protected’ and/or ‘safe’, for instance.

I don’t pe…

Part II: Skeletons in The Closet [Day 168]

Here I am continuing with my previous post...

When and as I see myself changing my behavior in front of the person that lied to me when the memory of what they did activates within my mind, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am changing my behavior in a way to show that something happened, that the other person has ‘lost’ a part of me, for instance affection, in order to punish them emotionally to make them say or do something that I need to believe so I can create and keep Trust only as an illusion.

I commit myself to stand one and equal with the people that lied to me without judging them, but supporting them as I have supported myself within the same patterns that are still part of me.

I commit myself to express through words the way I see the consequences once they have taken place, without trying to manipulate using a switch in my behavior in order for them to ‘guess’ that something is happening within myself.

When and as I see myself experiencing disgust/revulsion towards someon…