Apathy in Family Contexts [Day 181]


I am currently hometown visiting my family and friends during Summer break. So, I have been in contact with more people since I live on my own in a different city about 7-8 hours away from here. 

In living alone I have gotten used to doing my stuff at my personal pace and I basically choose where and with whom I want to be. So, as we have had visitors, they come with different topics to speak about and share through communication as people do when they gather, therefore, I have been in a more 'social context' which functions through 'social codes' that determine the 'social behavior'. 

The point is that my mom saw something in me; an energetic reaction which consists of me being irritated or pissed off. For instance when we have lunch, we are all together, but if I finished eating and the conversation that is going on is not of my preferences I simply get up and leave. Up to here, I could be judged as someone who does not follow the protocol sort of thing, because what they expect from me is to share more since I haven’t seen them in a while. 

What my mom suggested was that it’s fine to stand up and leave, but I could do it without participating in an energetic reaction. This made sense to me, because I had also noticed myself kind of wanting to show them that ‘if you are talking bullshit or doing something that I have judged as not interesting enough, then I am wasting my time, so I will leave”.

This is related to the things I do v/s the things they do. For instance, I do not watch tv, so when we are having dinner, they like watching tv. Also, if I finish eating in my house, I stand up and do something else v/s they finish eating and they like talking for a while. 

So, it’s like I am not being tolerant or opening myself up to embrace the moment even though it’s different to what I usually do. It’s not about doing something because they expect me to do it, because I do not do stuff when they are obligations that are somehow socially imposed, but as my mom said; the energetic reaction is perceived as ‘rude’, so I could practice just slowing down, stand up and leave. Or I could also - once calmed down - see where and how I can contribute.

Another scenario happened with my dad. He started talking about the bible and stuff, so I moved aside and slowly I left, because I know that talking about ‘god’ or ‘religion’ is really a waste of time. But again, no energetic reaction is needed. I can just gently go or change topic. 

And finally, the other day I went to my mom's room and she was watching a tv show where there was a psychic who apparently had contact with dead people. So, I went “mom, that’s not real”. I stayed like 2 minutes there and then I left. 

So, I could be perceived as someone ‘rude’ who goes like “if I don’t like it, then I will go”. At first I went “if they perceive me as rude, then it’s their problem, because the energetic reaction is theirs and they are only projecting it on me and they want to manipulate me, because they expect me to behave in a certain way”. But, self-honesty is what it really matters. I know I could find reasons to ‘defend’ my behavior, but instead of that, I will investigate this point further and be humble about what my mom suggested, plus she is the one who knows me the best and I have learned to see their perspectives as a desire to help me. 

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated within myself when my family do stuff that I do not usually do, such as talking too much about their jobs, watching tv, or talking about religion and ‘god’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am wasting my time when my family is doing something that I don’t usually do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest my irritation through my physical behavior when standing up abruptly and leaving the place where my family is at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as someone who does not like wasting my time who does not fear being judged for not doing something ‘against’ their habits. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged the people who watch tv, talk about religion and ‘god’ or when they talk too much about their jobs as stupid people that are not creating something constructive. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “mom, it’s your fault that I am like this today, because when I was younger, you forced me to do stuff that I didn’t like, but now that I am older, I don’t give a fuck about it and you can realize that I can do anything I want and you can’t change me”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for the way I am, which is different to what they wanted me to be like apparently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my mom wants to manipulate me when sharing her perspective in relation to what she has observed in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become irritated within myself when my mom was telling me about my behavior, because within myself I knew it was true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that other family members speak behind my back about my behavior but they don’t dare to say a word face to face. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am ‘more than’ other family members and that I am more ‘awake’ than them so they can’t understand my decisions or manipulate me.

Self-Corrective & Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself becoming irritated within myself because my family does stuff that I do not usually do, such as talking ‘too much’ about their jobs, watching tv or talking about religion and ‘god’, I stop and breathe. I realize that everyone has their own experiences and that in family meetings that’s what people do, share what has been going on with their lives and some others want to share what they have realized, therefore, I can just listen to them, and when it’s my turn I can simply express myself and if I have other stuff to do, I can gently stand up and leave, without having to become irritated and manifest it through my physical behavior by moving abruptly in an attempt to show them that ‘I can do anything I want and I won’t follow your rules’. 

I commit myself to stop judging my family members for the things they do that I have labeled as a ‘waste of time’ v/s the things I do which are ‘more important’ than having to listen to them. 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am wasting my time by spending time with my family members due to their likes, I stop and breathe. I realize that in having inner conflict and becoming irritated I am wasting my time, because I am only participating in my mind as thoughts and emotions, instead of doing something about it, such us releasing the energetic experience and be stable here no matter what happens in my external world. 

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am becoming irritated because of what is taking place in my external world, so I can ground myself and express myself instead of accumulating energy and suppressing it or manifest it through my physical behavior by moving abruptly. 

When and as I see myself moving abruptly on a physical level due to the irritation that has been generating within myself through my thoughts and emotions, I stop and breathe. I realize that it’s not necessary to reach that point where I move abruptly; I could slow myself down, breathe and make sure that I am stable here instead of continue feeding my mind with more and more thoughts and judgments that generate emotional reactions within and without myself.

I commit myself to slow myself down through breathing when I am generating irritation within myself, so I can release the energy without having to move myself abruptly.

When and as I see myself wanting to be seen as someone who does not care about rules, I stop and breathe. I realize that in wanting to be seen, I am not doing it for myself in the first place and I want to get a positive experience of superiority by ‘acting rude’.

I commit myself to focus on myself when I make my decisions without wanting to impress others through my behavior.

When and as I see myself judging the people who watch tv, talk about religion and ‘god’ or when they talk too much about their jobs as stupid people that are not creating something constructive, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am the one who is not creating any difference, because I am only judging, which is what everyone does.

I commit myself to stop judging the people who watch tv, talk about religion and ‘god’ or when they talk too much about their jobs as stupid people that are not creating something constructive, because each one has their own preferences. 

When and as I see myself thinking “mom, it’s your fault that I am like this today, because when I was younger, you forced me to do stuff that I didn’t like, but now that I am older, I don’t give a fuck about it and you can realize that I can do anything I want and you can’t change me”, I stop and breathe. I realize that no matter what my past was, I now have the chance to change anything I don’t find constructive in me and reconstruct it into something of support and real change.

I commit myself to stop blaming my family for the way I behave.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that people want to manipulate me when they share their perspectives about me, I stop and breathe. I realize that instead of going into paranoia, I can just listen to them and then in self honesty investigate the point further and do something about it.

I commit myself to listen to all perspectives about me when they come from other people and then cross-reference it in self-honesty within myself.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that other family members speak behind my back about my behavior, I stop and breathe. I realize that in thinking and believing that I create more inner conflict against them, without realizing that no matter what other people say, I decide whether it affects me or not, because it’s inevitable, people will tend to gossip no matter what you do.

I commit myself to stop worrying about what other people might say about me behind my back.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am ‘more awake’ than some family members I have, I stop and breathe. I realize that the ‘superior character’ that activates within myself in such moments come from comparison where I have judged them as ‘inferior’.


I commit myself to become a living example of what I have learned instead of participating in emotional reactions and doing the opposite of what ‘someone awaken’ can do. 

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