Emotional & Feeling Reactions While Playing Chess [Day 182]


Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry within myself when I lose at playing chess online.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to backchat “I am better than you at many other fields in my life, I bet that the only thing that you know how to do is to play online games like a geek/nerd and I bet you haven't even had sex or touched a woman in your entire life and you think you are better than me by winning a chess game?” when I lose. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it personal when I make a mistake at playing chess that made me lose, because I think that the other person did not deserve winning the game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted by just letting the time pass and not making any move in order to make the other player waste their time on me when I realize that I am about to lose the match in an attempt to become revengeful by simultaneously having the backchat “If you want to win, then you will have to wait on me until the time goes to zero, nicely sat there in front of your computer while I already forgot about it and I am doing other more important stuff than playing with you".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in competition within my mind where I compare myself with other chess players.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go “there you go, stupid” within myself when I have won a chess match.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge myself positively every time I win a chess match.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that as I am winning, then I have become better and that I will be unstoppable and then, I become frustrated due to being positively charged but then losing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated at chess because I realize that if I want to become better, I am going to have to investigate chess literature, which I have labeled as boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject opening myself up to read more material about chess in order to become better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have desired to become ‘immortal’ at playing chess where nobody can beat me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make chess all about competition, without realizing that I can use it as a tool to cross-reference how I am changing myself in relation to my emotional/feeling inner world.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to play chess without participating in emotional/feeling reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced the negative energy when I lose a chess match in my face/mouth, where I feel like swallowing bitterness which is equal to the amount of energy I have built in only a 5 minute blitz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have desired to be able to see the faces of those I beat at chess, because when I am winning I imagine that they are struggling and becoming angry as I do, therefore, I can make fun of them, because I am experiencing the positive side of the polarity equation. 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I lose at chess, I become emotional because I project what exists within myself towards others and I think and believe that they want to make fun of me, without realizing that that’s actually the way I have been existing in relation to chess but it doesn’t mean that they do the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having people laughing at my ‘failures’, because I go into inner battles against them, by becoming angry and revengeful in an attempt to show myself and show them that I am more than a failure. 

Self-Corrective & Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself becoming angry when I lose a chess match, I stop and breathe. I realize that it’s only a game and it should be fun, therefore, I have to change my approach to it if I don’t want to make it all energy based.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am charging myself with energy when playing chess in order to remind myself that it’s a game, so I can ground myself and stop my participation within the mind as polarity. 

When and as I see myself going into backchat where I compare myself to other chess players in an attempt to compensate the inferiority I experience when I lose by treating them bad within my mind, I stop and breathe. I realize that I don’t know those people and they don’t know me, therefore I am only participating in imaginations, being distracted in the mind instead of being here in self-awareness. 

I commit myself to stop comparing myself to other chess players and instead, I commit myself to learn from each match/player, because it’s in mistakes where I can enhance and become better.

When and as I see myself making it personal when I lose a chess match where I think that the other player did not deserve it, I stop and breathe. I realize that that’s how it works, that’s why I have to be aware of every move I make, by considering all possibilities and consequences. 

I commit myself to accept losing a chess match from a more humble approach where instead of going into emotions and backchat, I investigate and explore the match unconditionally and keep my mistakes in mind for next time. 

When and as I see myself letting the time just pass when I am about to lose in an attempt to let the other player know that “If you want to win, you will have to wait”, I stop and breathe. I realize that I wouldn’t like to be waiting on someone because they do not accept losing, therefore, I am creating something that I wouldn't like to be done unto me.

I commit myself to simply quit a match if I realize that I am about to lose.

When and as I see myself backchatting “There you go, stupid” when I win, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am not being humble either at winning or losing. therefore, I have to leave aside the polarity and make the word humble come to the front as my expression by accepting anything that can come up and investigate it unconditionally for myself.

I commit myself to explore, define and re-define the word humble for myself. 

When and as I see myself charging myself positively when I am winning a chess match and then I think and believe that I am unstoppable, I stop and breath. I realize that by participating in that feeling experience, I am creating expectations that are unreal, instead of realizing that winning and losing will always occur, because that’s the dynamics within chess, but how I deal with winning or losing it’s up to me/each one and that makes the difference.

I commit myself to stop being defined by the polarity of loser/winner and instead, I commit myself to approach chess as a self-support tool to investigate more about my inner world. 

When and as I see myself becoming frustrated by thinking and believing that I am going to have to investigate chess literature farther in order to become better, I stop and breathe. I realize that if I go step by step, setting small goals for myself one by one, I could go deeper without being all the time resisting that idea. 

I commit myself to explore other chess matches that have been played by others and investigate chess literature in small steps, by understanding one point at a time so as to start building more techniques and a more self-aware game in relation to myself. 

When and as I see myself making fun within myself at other chess players, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am making playing chess a stupid battle, instead of approaching it from a different perspective, where I do not need to participate in superior/inferior/revengeful/angry/frustrated characters .

I commit myself to embrace those parts of me that emerge when participating in this polarity/game so as to address it and find solutions for myself. 

When and as I see myself experiencing the negative energy when I lose a chess match in my face/mouth, where I feel like swallowing bitterness, I stop and breathe. I realize that that happened because I only wanted to win instead of being opened to learn, which means that during the whole match I was building that energy that wanted to come out as a ‘show off’ if I won, but as I lost, I had to keep it to myself and literally swallow it.

I commit myself to become aware of my breathing and my body stance when I am playing chess so as to ground myself here in the physical and become aware of my expression. 

When and as I see myself fearing to have people laughing at my ‘failures’ and then I go into inner battles against them, by becoming angry and revengeful in an attempt to show myself and show them that I am more than a failure, I stop and breathe. I realize that all that determination is coming from energy, therefore, it’s not real; I am not going to become better by only thinking about it, I have to practically address it from a starting point that has nothing to do with the mind polarity of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I commit myself to stop fearing what others might think about my failures.

I commit myself to explore, define and re-define the word Failure for myself. 

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