Last weekend I was in a gig watching a friend playing live. When he was outside with his band members, there was a guy that plays with my friend that I judged as “He likes to draw attention”. This happened because while there was a drummer inside doing the sound check, I started improvising using my voice, just singing something silly. Suddenly, I saw the guy I am referring to doing the same, but he did it louder and longer. That’s why I judged him, because I compared myself to him, where I went within myself “It’s not necessary to exaggerate”.
Then, when the show started, I realized that the guy I judged was the singer. I also judged him because he was drinking beers on stage and acting ‘free’. I noticed that I tended to ignore him on purpose. Like creating a whole inner battle within myself against him lol.
I judged the way he moved and I thought that he wanted people to think he was especial, odd, out of the box, etc. So within myself I was “This is nothing especial, I have seen a lot of performances before and this guy does not even move me a little bit”.
Then, when they finished playing, I saw this guy and I went within myself “I would say that you played a great show”, while our eyes met when I was approaching my friend to say goodbye, but “I am ignoring you, so you can realize that you are not especial and that no one liked you”.
When I read what I am writing above, I realize that I create lots of inner conflict based on my perceptions, based on what I believe other people want/desire/feel/think/believe, without realizing that I am only projecting.
Another friend also mentioned that the singer was ‘forcing his expression’ sort of thing, like not being ‘genuine’. So, I then went “Oh, he noticed the same about the singer, therefore, I must be right”, without realizing that that’s what people tend to do when they make assumptions and create beliefs/opinions and then gossip, where the only achieved outcome is judgment; two people or more sharing the same judgments, which does not constitute the so-called ‘truth’, objectively speaking, because what happens there when two or more people share the same judgments is inter-subjectivity, in other words; a mutual subjective experience towards something ‘real’.
But, beyond trying to be ‘right’ by sharing judgments/experiences, it is to investigate ourselves in relation to how we are expressing ourselves. For instance, “Am I being Genuine in my expression?”, “Is there something about my expression that I am forcing?”, “Are there some contexts where I like to draw attention?”. The answer - in my case - is definitely yes. But, instead of doing that, we prefer to make all about ‘other people’, without first seeing what’s really going on within ourselves since judgments are only projections of what exists within ourselves, where we are ‘broken’ so to speak and we have to take self-responsibility by picking up the pieces and reconstruct oneself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ignored someone on purpose by not looking at them when I have judged them as ‘not genuine’, ‘forced’, or ‘wanting to draw attention’ in an attempt to avoid that that person feels ‘positive’, like “I won’t make your plan work”, trying to sabotage them, by not giving them my attention and time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into inner conflict through the judgments that come up within myself, where I create fights against them in an attempt to ‘win’, so they ‘lose’, without realizing that all of that comes from the trap of comparison, because at some point I felt ‘inferior’ in relation to their expression, so then, I wanted to compensate the negative experience within, into ignoring them, so I can feel positive while they feel negative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let comparison make me feel hermetic, because in such moments I am not expressing myself, but only avoiding what is in my reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I judge and compare, it’s MY expression which is not Genuine, where I am the one who is Forcing myself to avoid, where I like to Draw Attention as the guy who does not care or that I am not moved by others, because apparently “I have seen so much” so, this is “nothing important/especial”, where it’s like I implicitly say “If you want to impress/surprise me, then you will have to do much better than that”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I would do much better than that guy that I judged, because I was participating in comparison and I wanted to win within myself through my imagination and inner conflict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame such people I judge as though it was their fault that I am experiencing myself in a certain way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become hermetic and close myself, instead of opening up myself in order to become humble and learn anything I can.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how comparison creates distance among people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken distance from the people I judge instead of seeing them as an indicator, as an opportunity to expand myself, because they are somehow showing me where I have to direct myself more effectively as to my expression.
Self-Corrective & Self-Commitment Statements
When and as I see myself ignoring someone on purpose because I have compared myself to them and I have judged them as “not genuine”, “forced”, I stop and breathe. I realize that when I am not looking at them it’s because those aspects that I see in them are a projection of what exists within myself and ‘avoiding’ represents that I also avoid looking at those points within myself.
I commit myself to stop ignoring that which I judge and push myself to look within myself, so I can look at them without judging, but understanding and learning.
When and as I see myself creating fights through imagination within myself against those people that I have judged, where I want them to lose so I can win, I stop and breathe. I realize that when comparing, I am automatically losing, yes, losing myself, because who I am is here in the physical and not ‘there’ in my mind, therefore, when thinking I am wasting my breath, and breathing = living.
I commit myself to become aware of my breathing when I am creating inner battles through my imagination, so I can slow down and realize that I am here living and that comparison and inner battle is not living, but only imagining/thinking.
When and as I see myself thinking that “I have seen so much, so you don’t impress/surprise me”, I stop and breathe. I realize that in such moments I am moving towards the ‘superior character’, where I think/believe that I am especial for seeing so much, where I compare my knowledge and experience as ‘more than’ what I am seeing in my reality.
I commit myself to stop thinking and believing that ‘knowing more’ = I am more than you, because in the end, knowledge is meaningless without action and what it really matters is what we do and not what exists within our minds as imaginations/projections/judgments/comparison.
When and as I see myself using the justification that “it’s their fault that I am feeling like this”, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that all that I feel or think is created within myself, therefore, I am the one who is responsible and not them.
I commit myself to stop blaming others using the justification that it’s their ‘forced expression’ that makes me react in a certain way, because it’s my responsibility to address it.
When and as I see myself becoming hermetic by participating in judgments/comparison, I stop and breathe. I realize that instead of becoming hermetic, I could open up myself and embrace what is here in my reality, because it is someone showing me aspects where still much work remains.
I commit myself to understand my judgments towards my external world as an indicator of the aspects that I have to continue investigating and introspecting.