This is an update with regards to my process of quitting smoking weed after being a smoker for three years straight.
Today it’s been 29 days without smoking weed. Have I experienced the desire of smoking weed again? The answer is yes, but not as much as I thought. I actually remember that 2 weeks ago after having dinner with my mom I pictured myself smoking weed in my bedroom within my mind.
It was the memory of me doing that in the past but seeing it now in the present. Like experiencing the same desire that I felt in the past that moved me to do it as a habit especially after every meal.
The desire came up in a moment and it wasn’t actually something I had to resist or fight. I mean, the desire was triggered from a memory of the past habit, placed in my present through my imagination — but I saw the desire and didn’t acted on it; as it came, it was gone.
Besides that, I have been quite busy lately, so I haven’t had time to think about weed really. I have not been ‘alone’ so to speak, because I have been traveling/moving from hometown to the city I work in more often, plus as I am in a new relationship/agreement, I’ve been sharing and going out more with my partner — and also, as she does not smoke weed, it’s also a point of support because I have not been around weed directly.
Most of my friends do smoke weed, but I don’t see that as a point of ‘wanting to do the same’ — to me it’s an opportunity for me to change myself in the moment and keep my decision and self-commitment.
Being completely ‘alone’ is a different point. When being alone in my house it’s where I have more ‘free time’ where I would normally get ‘bored’ and want to smoke weed to keep myself ‘entertained’. But, I don’t fear being alone as a chance for me to succumb into the temptation to smoke weed, because, in fact, I was alone when making the decision to quitting smoking weed, but it would be cool to see who I am again when being alone in relation to the weed point — only me and all the ‘free time’ that I have.
What I mean by saying that it would be ‘cool’ to see myself alone, I am referring to the reactions that I might experience, the desire and my behavior — to see until what level I was an addict dependent on something external to ‘fill me in’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring to my present the memory and desire from the past of smoking weed again where I saw myself doing the same after finishing having dinner with my mom.
When and as I see myself experiencing myself participating in the memory and desire of smoking weed after every meal like in the past, I stop and breathe. I realize that in that moment my mind went into an automated way of thinking and behaving where what’s important for me it’s to be aware of myself so I don’t have to resist or fight it, but release the experience through breathing and honoring my decision and self-commitment.
I commit myself to continue honoring my decision and self-commitment in relation to quitting smoking weed despite any memory, thought, imagination or desire.
I commit myself to stop and breathe so I can release the energetic experience that gets triggered when the memory comes up and the desire emerges.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get distracted from my present moment by participating in a memory that brought the desire and imagination of me smoking weed in my bedroom after having dinner with my mom.
When and as I see myself getting distracted from my present moment by participating in a memory that brought the desire and imagination of me smoking weed, I stop and breathe. I realize that in that moment what I am seeing it’s actually two options; what I would have done if I continued to smoking weed as a habit and seeing myself in reality, my decision and self-commitment, therefore, it’s an opportunity for me to continue learning about myself, my mind and my process in relation to quitting habits that I had been perpetuating through using justifications and self-manipulation to not give myself real direction.
I commit myself ground myself through breathing when participating in a memory, imagination and desire of smoking weed, so I can bring myself back here and thus, enjoy and express myself in the present moment where I am self-aware of me, the people around that I am interacting with and the whole environment that surrounds me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say “I don’t fear myself being alone again” when actually there’s a level of doubt in relation to not knowing really how I would feel when not having any “distraction” that “helps’ me entertain my boredom.
When and as I see myself saying “I don’t fear myself being alone again”, I stop and breathe. I realize that that’s something I would like to believe, without realizing that it’s not about beliefs, it’s about going step by step, breath by breath through this process, understanding myself in deprogramming myself so I can prevent my participation in thoughts, imagination and desires moment by moment through actions that honor my self-commitments and decisions to become the best version of me.
I commit myself to stop going self-righteous in relation to my process by using beliefs about what I have not even experienced yet.
I commit myself to embrace every moment as an opportunity to support myself.
I commit myself to stop my participation in expectations about what I believe about my future behavior.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will get rid of ideas of what to do in order to keep myself busy when I am alone again so I don’t fall into the temptation of smoking weed again.
When and as I see myself fearing that I will get rid of ideas of what to do in order to keep myself busy when I am alone so I don’t fall into the temptation of smoking weed again, I stop and breathe. I realize that it’s not about acting out of fear, it’s about seeing what I can do in the moment to support myself, it’s not about ‘keeping myself busy’ as another ‘distraction’; this is an opportunity for me to re-consider everything I do to contribute to the process of perfecting myself.
I commit myself to stop wanting to keep myself busy out of fear in order to quitting weed.
I commit myself to stop and breathe if I catch myself participating in the fear of not knowing what to do with my free time.
I commit myself to write down activities that I have pendant, finishing things that I never finished, so I can move such points in order to give myself direction and honoring the commitments that I once made but got unfinished.