Part II: Jealous Character & Fear of Being Cheated 13/21 [Day 199]



Here I am continuing with addressing the points that have been recently opening for myself -- also in relation to a previous post that I wrote some days ago. So, here I go...

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous and angry within myself when I saw that x liked a guy’s picture on instagram.

When and as I see myself becoming jealous and angry within myself when I see that x likes a guy’s picture on instagram, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am imagining her intentions behind what she did, without even knowing the entire context, for instance where they knew each other, how long since they have been friends and why they are friends on instagram.

I commit myself to stop assuming that I am right with regards to what I imagine when it comes to x’s behavior on instagram.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am feeling jealous and angry within myself when I am seeing something that I don’t like from x’s behavior on instagram, so I can release the emotional experience, bring myself back here without having to act on that reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “is it necessary to like his picture? what is the purpose of liking? what does that like mean to her? what is it that she like about the picture? Does she like him? Does she like the environment where he is at? Does she like his outfit? Does she like his physical body?” and this, creating more inner conflict within myself.

When and as I see myself going into all those questions, I stop and breathe. I realize that it’s those questions I am asking myself the ones that create the inner conflict and the judgments, because I have realized that when I judge something as ‘bad’ I go into a negative emotional reaction within myself.

I commit myself to stop wanting to know why x does the things she does, because the only one who knows the real intentions is oneself and the only way to really get to know is opening up the point and just ask without fearing being judged for asking a question that could be considered as ‘tabu’. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger and go through my instagram and like a few girls’ pictures just in case x sees that so she can become jealous and feel the same way I did.

When and as I see myself reacting with anger and going through my instagram liking girls’ pictures as a revenge for x to find out in case she does check what I like, I stop and breathe. I realize that acting out of anger is never a solution, it is not even a genuine expression of myself, it’s toxic mind programming that harms me and my relationships.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am going into anger due to the jealousy experienced, so I can ground myself and act in common sense.

I commit myself to stop wanting revenge against the people that ‘make me’ feel jealous or anger.

I commit myself to stop wanting revenge when feeling that I am being affected by the triggered jealousy within myself related to what x might or might not do — and instead, I commit myself to enhance communication, first through self-writing in order to explore and deconstruct each point that opens up to learn from every part of that point that takes place in my life by taking self-responsibility, giving myself direction as common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make x jealous after I felt jealous by something that she did that I interpreted from and as jealousy.

When and as I see myself wanting to make x jealous after I felt jealous by something that she did that I interpreted from and as jealousy, I stop and breathe. I realize that I don’t really want that, it’s just me trying to stop feeling jealous and wanting to pass the jealousy onto her, so she can feel the same way I felt and thus, understand me or 'get the point' and stop behaving in ways that make me feel jealous and that could also be a point to introspect for herself within and as her own self-honesty and understanding of what that word really means as practical actions that honor the words that come out of our mouths. 

I commit myself to stop wanting to make x feel jealous after I felt jealous based on things she has done.

I commit myself to continue working on how to stop jealousy from within myself when there is an external trigger that pushes my buttons.

I commit myself to start stopping jealousy by first stop it from within myself, so me it’s the last person who participates in that, I release its energetically charged reaction from within myself by not acting on it; meaning, I stop the game and I commit myself to not trying to create jealousy on x when it emerges from within myself.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that x does not feel attracted to anyone, not even to a picture of someone. 

When and as I see myself wishing that x does not feel attracted to anyone, not even to a picture of someone, I stop and breathe. I realize that first; I am assuming that she is attracted, when actually that’s only what I think and believe without even knowing her ‘level’  of self-honesty or even her starting point. 

I commit myself to stop assuming what I think and believe is real in relation to what x does or does not. 

I commit myself to stop thinking and believing that x is attracted to the guys she likes on instagram. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want revenge against what x did. 

When and as I see myself wanting revenge against what x did, I stop and breathe. I realize that revenge is not a real solution; it’s just an emotional reaction, plus, I am seeing revenge as a way to ‘teach’ someone a ‘lesson’ in order to make them go through the same negative experience I did, without realizing that there are other ways in which these topics can be approached, especially when you want to create healthy relationships based on support.

I commit myself to stop looking for a revenge when x has done something that makes me feel jealous.

I commit myself to stop thinking and believing that x makes me feel jealous.

I commit myself to understand that jealousy exists within myself and it has nothing to do with what x does; it has to do with the way I perceive everything through the mind programming. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I take a screen shot of the picture she liked, send it to her and ask her “what does that mean?”, in order to get to know x’s real intentions with regards to liking that guy’s picture on instagram.

When and as I see myself imagining that I take a screen shot in order to ask her for an explanation, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am over reacting in that moment. It’s not necessary at all. She does not ‘have to’ explain anything. Instead I can clarify the point within myself and then talk about it as a solution and ask for support in case she can share her perspective and thus, overcome these reactions within myself and thus, turn jealousy into mutual trust — understanding ‘trust’ as walking together through all the points that take place in our lives that create emotional friction and support each other in order to grow and expand together as one. 

I commit myself to stop using my imagination to create scenarios where I am reacting when I feel jealous.

I commit myself to stop thinking and believing that x ‘has to’ explain something when I am reacting emotionally.

I commit myself to base communication not as a demand, but as opening up the points that create inner friction, as sharing and also being open to hear each others’ perspectives that can be of much support for us to grow and stop limiting ourselves with thoughts, beliefs and negative emotions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that x is constantly feeling attracted to other guys based on physical appearance and their outfits, all coming from the movies and magazines she has watched.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that x is constantly feeling attracted to other guys based on physical appearance and their outfits, all coming from the movies and magazines she has watched, I stop and breathe. I realize that there’s no way I can know that. I can only walk that point within myself; meaning, exploring who I am in relation to other females that I have defined as ‘attractive’. 

I commit myself to introspect myself in relation to attraction towards other females, so I can be a living example instead of only making assumptions and judgments. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have compared myself with that guy that x liked and then, end up thinking that “I am not the type of guy that x is always attracted to” —  based on physical appearance.

When and as I see myself comparing myself with the guys that x has liked their pictures, where I end up thinking and believing that I am not the type of guy that x is always attracted to based on physical appearance, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am judging myself through comparing myself where I end up embodying the inferior character.

I commit myself to stop comparing myself with other males that are part of x’s social environment.

I commit myself to stop participating in the inferior and superior character when feeling jealous and comparing myself with other males that are part of x’s social environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to activate my superior character when comparing myself with that guy that I don’t even know, by thinking “I bet he is not as good as I am. He can have a nice body or outfits or pictures that make him look like a model to the eyes of x, but that doesn’t mean that he is smart and self-aware as I am.  He can’t beat me. I am way more talented. He is one dimensional vs I am multiple”.

When and as I see myself activating my superior character when comparing myself with guys I don’t even know, by thinking “I bet he is not as good as I am. He can have a nice body or outfits or pictures that make him look like a model to the eyes of x, but that doesn’t mean that he is smart and self-aware as I am.  He can’t beat me. I am way more talented. He is one dimensional vs I am multiple”, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am just playing with energy, from negative to positive, from inferior to superior, from loser to winner. 

I commit myself to stop playing mind games by competing with other guys through my thoughts and inner voices.

I commit myself to see other guys as me, equal human beings, just as different expressions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to compete against that guy in all areas so I can beat him and thus, demonstrate to x that he is not as good as she thought, that he is just a poor guy, therefore, she has to still prefer being only with me and only having eyes for me and no one else.

When and as I see myself wanting to compete against that guy in all areas so I can beat him and thus, demonstrate to x that he is not as good as she thought, that he is just a fucking asshole, therefore, she has to still prefer being only with me and only having eyes for me and no one else, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am just using that desire from being jealous, angry and insecure to participate in my imagination creating scenarios where I win and prove everybody that he is a looser, almost like “hey, don’t like his pictures or content, he is fake and not good enough”.

I commit myself to stop wanting to compete with the guys that are part of x’s social environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that x does those things such as liking a guy’s picture, especially when their physical bodies are exposed or on a specific stance in order to let them know in an ‘indirect way’:  “Hey cute boy, I saw your pic. I think your sexy. You can also check me out. You can talk to me and I will be open for you so you can open up yourself and tell me about your life experiences so I can learn from your knowledge while at the same time enjoying myself through flirting and participating in the attraction game — or we can just flirt once in a while through giving each other likes in our pictures and stuff”.

When and as I see myself myself thinking and believing that x does those things such as liking a guy’s picture, especially when their physical bodies are exposed or on a specific stance in order to let them know in an ‘indirect way’:  “Hey cute boy, I saw your pic. I think your sexy. You can also check me out. You can talk to me and I will be open for you so you can open up yourself and tell me about your life experiences so I can learn from your knowledge while at the same time enjoying myself through flirting and participating in the attraction game — or we can just flirt once in a while through giving each other likes in our pictures and stuff”, I stop and breathe. I realize that that’s only my imagination, it’s not real, it’s something that I am creating by thinking.

I commit myself to support myself through breathing here and releasing the energy that I am creating through thinking and imagination so I can move myself to the next moment without feeding that negative experience that keeps me distracted and experiencing negative emotions within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a whole story within my mind in relation to that simple act of x liking a pic, without even knowing who that guy is, for instance he could be her cousin or someone from her family — or she does not even feel or think what I believe. 

When and as I see myself creating whole story within my mind in relation to that simple act of x liking a pic, without even knowing who that guy, I stop and breathe. I realize that my mind loves to create stories only based on winning and losing, being superior and inferior, etc — therefore, I can stop that mind game by breathing, becoming stable within myself and then give myself direction or the necessary self-support I require in order to correct myself.

I commit myself to support myself in such moments where I am creating stories within my mind through my imagination, by breathing, releasing the energetic experience and then express myself genuinely. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go within myself “How can’t she just exist without liking a guy’s picture? She could have just avoided that, because it’s not necessary — what does that guy win from her like? what is she getting by liking his picture? What’s the hidden message behind that like?” — only because I don’t like that due to the emotional reaction that it triggers within myself.

When and as I see myself going within myself “How can’t she just exist without liking a guy’s picture? She could have just avoided that, because it’s not necessary — What does that guy win from her like? what is she getting by liking his picture? What’s the hidden message behind that like?”, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am overthinking the whole situation. I mean, it’s okay; this is what I am experiencing, it’s automatic because it’s part of our mind programming, but I can stop thinking, I can breathe and just embrace the present moment, give myself direction without reacting emotionally, work on the point, find a solution as self-direction and then be able to even open up this point with my partner as a point that I am finding solutions for, not as a ‘problem’ that she has to solve for me — and then, we can make the necessary corrections or agreements to support each other.

I commit myself to understand that I can’t know the intentions behind x’s actions in relation her interactions with other guys, because it’s part of her own self-honesty, therefore, there’s no need to over think it, because in doing that, I am only projecting what exists in me actually.

I commit myself to stop overthinking in relation to wanting to know the real intentions behind x’s actions in relation to their interaction with other guys.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that when people give each other likes, that  that means that they like each other in real life from a sexual perspective based on flirting, attraction and desire, like a game where people can create positive experiences and entertain themselves.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that when people give each other likes on social media, that  that means that they like each other in real life from a sexual perspective based on flirting, attraction and desire, like a game where people create ‘positive experiences’ to entertain themselves, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am judging and making assumptions based on my imagination.

I commit myself to address the point of what a ‘like’ means so I can’t stop being defined by my own beliefs, perceptions and projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become like a vigilant in relation to the content x likes on instagram under the belief that that’s the only quantifiable data that I can ‘trust’ in order to get to know her from the distance.

When and as I see myself becoming like a vigilant in relation to the content x likes on instagram under the belief that that’s the only quantifiable data that I can ‘trust’ in order to get to know her from the distance, I stop and breathe. I realize that first of all, you don’t get to know someone by focusing on what they like on social media; I mean you can have an idea, but it’s only that, an idea, because that doesn’t represent what a person as a whole is — it’s just a tiny little part of their preferences.

I commit myself to explore through self-writing my vigilant character in order to be able to deconstruct it and stop participating in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine within my mind that x has an emotional/feeling connection with that guy and that if someday we are together and that guy suddenly appears, that they are going to be very affectionate and flirtatious in front of me, which will make me react in anger within myself towards her, because I would interpret that as disrespectful and I would probably leave without saying a word. 

When and as I see myself imagining within my mind that x has an emotional/feeling connection with that guy and that if someday we are together and that guy suddenly appears, that they are going to be very affectionate and flirtatious in front of me, which will make me react in anger within myself towards her, because I would interpret that as disrespectful and I would probably leave without saying a word, I stop and breathe. I realize that again I am playing the mind game by creating scenarios where I am being the loser, the inferior, etc.

I commit myself to stop playing the polarity game within my mind through my imagination.

I commit myself to stop defining myself as loser or winner, because I am more than those mind limited definitions of black and white.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my likes on instagram since I started dating x in order to avoid any jealousy or misinterpretation, without realizing that I can like anything I want; it depends on my starting point where before liking a picture or video I go “why am I liking from this picture/video? What’s my starting point? What’s the purpose behind?” so I can question my action in that moment and make all the changes that are necessary in self-honesty for myself.

When and as I see myself suppressing my likes on instagram in order to avoid any jealousy or misinterpretation from x, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am doing it out of fear; fear that she can feel bad and compare herself with the females I can like on instagram, without realizing that I can do anything I want but making sure that I am doing it as support; meaning, supporting what the people are sharing, for instance, if they are sharing abusive content or just narcissist stuff, avoid supporting that, because that’s not real support, that’s just supporting their ego.

I commit myself to re-define the likes on instagram as a synonym of Support; meaning, I am supporting what you are doing and sharing, not because there is attraction or desire or fantasies.

I commit myself to before liking a picture on instagram, ask myself “ok, what is this person sharing? is this worth of my support? are they supporting themselves in what they are sharing? or is it just an empty, but good looking picture that I have defined as ‘positive’ or ‘attractive’ or ‘cute’ or ‘beautiful?’. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that x has a very specific kind of guy that she likes in terms of an image representation, where they ‘have’ everything I ‘don’t have’, such as being tall, having muscles, having a six pack, doing exercise, doing sports and being very ‘healthy’ and ‘strong’.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that x has a very specific kind of guy that she likes in terms of an image representation, where they ‘have’ everything I ‘don’t have’, such as being tall, having muscles, having a six pack, doing exercise, doing sports and being very ‘healthy’ and ‘strong’, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am thinking that because I have seen some of her followers' appearance and there are quite a few guys that look like that, so I judged her as someone who is attracted to that kind of guys with all the traits already mentioned. 

I commit myself to stop creating ideas in relation to x’s preferences based on how their male followers look in their appearance. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to convince myself through my inner voices by thinking “I don’t think she has hidden intentions with the guys that she likes on instagram, because if she was going to cheat on me, she would do it as a secret without even liking a picture in order to avoid any hunch that could emerge within myself”.

When and as I see myself trying to convince myself through my inner voices by thinking “I don’t think she has hidden intentions with the guys that she likes on instagram, because if she was going to cheat on me, she would do it as a secret without even liking a picture in order to avoid any possible hunch that could emerge within myself”, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am using my programmed inner voices to continue being in the trap of thinking and going from negative to positive, from inferior to superior, etc.

I commit myself to stop trusting in what my inner voices say as ‘pieces of advice’ because inner voices are not supportive, they are attached to mind programming and characters.

I commit myself to stop creating ideas, beliefs and opinions based on my inner voices in relation to what x does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go within myself “If she cheats on me once, I would cheat on her twice as a revenge, so she can feel what I feel and thus, she can learn her lesson to not do it ever again in her life”.

When and as I see myself going within myself “If she cheats on me once, I would cheat on her twice as a revenge, so she can feel what I feel and she can learn her lesson to not do it ever again in her life”, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am participating in a mixture of jealousy, paranoia, imagination, anger and desire for revenge, which is not supportive at all, because it only adds more and more conflict instead of a solution based on mutual support.

I commit myself to stop talking to myself as inner voices as establishing a sort of self-agreement in relation to what I would do if x cheats on me.

I commit myself to stop assuming and believing that x wants to cheat on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that it exists in x’s nature to feel attracted to more than one guy at the same time, where she accepts and allows herself even unconsciously to participate in flirting, desire and attraction. 

When and as I see myself thinking, believing and perceiving that it exists in x’s nature to feel attracted to more than one guy at the same time, where she accepts and allows herself even unconsciously to participate in flirting, desire and attraction, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am judging x based on the appearance of the followers she has on instagram and also based on the pictures and content she likes, as though that was proof that she is flirtatious or unfaithful in nature.

I commit myself to stop judging x as a flirtatious and unfaithful person that feels attracted to many guys at the same time.

I commit myself to bring this point of attraction to other females back to self and explore it through self-writing and get a full understanding and solutions for myself and everyone with whom this point opens up.

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