When You Feel There's Something Wrong 14/21 [Day 200]



I was talking on the phone with x and I ended up with a weird feeling within myself after we hung up. Like when there’s something wrong that wasn’t said, but only felt. You kind of smell it but don’t see it, because the only way of seeing it is through opening it up for oneself and then share it in case there is something wrong actually. 

In this case, I ended up feeling as though there was something negative going on within x’s mind in relation to something I did or said. 

Now - it is complex to open up a point on the phone. Or maybe this is just an excuse. But, honestly, from my perspective; when such ‘uncomfortable moments’ take place, where you notice there’s something that’s not going on genuinely, it is better to give each other some time and space. 

In my case, I give myself time and space to write it down and not over think it, because that’s not supportive, because you can get lost in your thoughts and then you start creating beliefs and then, surprise! the way you feel changes from positive to negative; welcome to the trap. Your own trap.  

So, in writing it down and seeing it with my physical eyes by applying the tools to support myself I don’t accept and allow myself to go either positive or negative, because positive and negative are conditionally dependent on energy -- and I am looking for creating Unconditional expression which is physical/real. And to be sure whether you are being real or not, you have to answer the question “Are you HERE?”, “Or are you just lost in your mind?”.

So, back to the point; I would say that this ‘weird feeling’ started yesterday actually — when I thought that x changed the way she sees me after posting a blog about my jealous character and the fear of being cheated. I believed that somehow she judged me without really understanding. 

So, here I can see the first problem; the things I believe through thinking vs reality. Because she didn’t say a word about it as other previous times where she has referred to what I write down and even provided a feedback. Second problem I can see here; comparing the past vs the present, by thinking “If she is not giving me a feedback about it now, then something happened that she preferred not saying until we see each other in person”.

The third problem I can see is that due to believing that x judged me for what I wrote down, today I was feeling like not wanting to talk to her, not because I don’t like talking to her, but I had that weird feeling that I had to first address before interacting with her again. But any ways, we did talk on the phone and I judged the conversation as forced and not natural, like something automatic; the typical questions, boring and no real connection, almost like doing it as an obligation. 

So, I can see that all of that was existing within myself when we were talking on the phone. I was creating such experiences by trying to analyze x’s behavior and words without first having a look at my own behavior and words. 

I also thought that probably x felt jealous because today I met a female friend who visited me. So, as in my previous post I mentioned about my revengeful character I believed that maybe she could have thought that I was doing that in order to make her jealous.

And finally, I have to mention that I have sometimes perceived x as someone who prefers to keep some information for herself, like a 'reserved person', but reserved as suppression, like not daring to open up herself in self-honesty and share what’s really going on.

So, this apparent 'suppression' within herself creates a sense of distance, where I perceive that she is having inner conflict that she does not know how to handle nor even explain/share/open up.

It makes me feel confused when I notice or perceive that there is a change in x’s behavior, then I ask, but she says that everything is fine. I end up thinking that I am crazy. It’s like I don’t believe in x’s words when she says "Everything’s okay" or “There’s nothing wrong, it’s all good”. This also has to do with me believing in the popular belief that says that when females say "nothing wrong happens" it’s because something wrong is actually happening.

So, I have learned to not insist and give people time and space. This time, the time and space was for me to open up this point and give myself the opportunity to make the necessary corrections to clarify my own mind system, without projecting my inner conflict onto x.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my inner conflict onto x by believing that there’s something wrong within herself that she does not want to share.

When and as I see myself projecting my inner conflict onto x by believing that she does not want to share, I stop and breathe. I realize that we are just getting to know each other and creating the way we want to communicate with each other, therefore, yes, there might be things going own within herself, but first of all, I have to take responsibility for myself, introspect myself, explore the point, and find solutions that can be a contribution instead of only inner conflict and emotional reactions. 

I commit myself to stop projecting my inner conflict onto x.

I commit myself to first introspect within myself the things that I am projecting onto x so I can have a much clearer perspective of who I am within my reality. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged x as someone reserved who prefers to avoid sharing specific information in order to suppress the inner conflict. 

When and as I see myself judging x as someone reserved who prefers to avoid sharing specific information in order to suppress the inner conflict, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have judged her as such because sometimes I think that she just decides to share little information which I judge as empty with no depth and no real effort to really explore a point together. 

I commit myself to stop judging the information she shares as 'too little' or 'too much' and just embrace what’s here in the moment.

I commit myself to stop believing and labeling x as someone reserved. And instead, I commit myself to be open to get to know x/people instead of creating ideas about how they really are. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to talk to x on the phone without first addressing the inner conflict I was having within myself. 

When and as I see myself deciding to talk to x on the phone without first addressing the inner conflict I am having within myself, I stop and breathe. I realize that if I am not in conditions to really talk, I can just let her know and just do it in another moment when the inner storm has passed, so to speak.

I commit myself to first address the inner conflict within myself before talking to x or anyone in my world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that x changed the way she sees me after reading what I wrote down on my blog.

When and as I see myself thinking, believing and perceiving that x changed the way she sees me after reading what I wrote down on my blog, I stop and breathe. I realize that we have talked about my jealous character before where we both read the post and she didn’t change at all, she was all the time being supportive, therefore, I am just assuming that there’s something wrong within herself when actually there's something wrong going on within myself. 

I commit myself to stop fearing that x changes the way she sees me.

I commit myself to focus on our previous steps as proof and as a fact, but not taking it for granted -- for instance, focus on that she has provided cool and supportive feedbacks to my posts before when we have spoken in person through effective communication and mutual understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I don’t want to talk to x because I feel that there’s something wrong. 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I don’t want to talk to x because I feel that there’s something wrong, I stop and breathe. I realize that I fear that the thoughts and emotions within myself are going to interfere in our communication, that's why I want to avoid talking to her, because I fear creating conflict.

I commit myself to first clarify myself when noticing inner conflict within myself through writing it down or sounding self-forgiveness statements in the moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel confused when I notice or perceive that there is a change in x’s behavior.

When and as I see myself feeling confused when I notice or perceive that there is a change in x’s behavior, I stop and breathe. I realize that it’s something I perceived in her behavior based on my own inner conflict in relation to her, therefore, who changed their behavior was me. 

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I notice or perceive a change in x’s behavior, so I can bring myself back here, ground myself and give myself direction as self-introspection and thus, having a clear perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless when I become confused by perceiving a change in x’s behavior.

When and as I see myself feeling powerless when I become confused by perceiving a change in x’s behavior, I stop and breathe. I realize that I could bring the point back to self and empower myself by understanding my own behavior and then make sure than I am clear here. 

I commit myself to empower myself through writing down and exploring myself in relation to what I project on others that are only a reflection of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought that it is complex to open up a point as such within a phone conversation. 

When and as I see myself thinking that it’s complex to open up a point as such within a phone conversation, I stop and breathe. I realize that I could open up the point by first of all making it clear for myself and then just say that there’s something I want to talk and see whether we are both available and just talk as we usually do. 

I commit myself to stop thinking that it is complex to open up certain topics on the phone.

I commit myself to first clarify myself through self-writing before talking about it with x. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that x felt jealous because today I met a female friend and I couldn’t answer her phone call immediately, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am projecting what exists within myself onto her, because probably I would become jealous if I call her, she doesn’t answer and then I am told that she was with a male friend. 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that x felt jealous because today I met a female friend and I couldn’t answer her phone call immediately while I was with my friend, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am only projecting and making assumptions based on the way I am experiencing myself as the inner conflict.

I commit myself to stop making assumptions on how x feels and experiences herself in relation to me. 

I commit myself to stop thinking and believing that meeting a friend from the opposite sex is a reason for your partner to feel jealous. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged x’s words when we were talking on the phone as boring, automatic, with no depth. 

When and as I see myself judging x’s words when we talk on the phone as boring, automatic, with no depth, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am judging her voice tonality as though she was saying something that she didn’t really want to. 

I commit myself to stop judging x’s voice tonality when she is telling me something that I am perceiving as boring, automatic and with no depth.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when judging x's voice tonality so I can focus on her words without reacting to her. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when I perceive that there’s something wrong going on within x's mind, when I ask her and she says "there’s nothing wrong".

When and as I see myself  becoming frustrated when I perceive that there’s something wrong going on within x's mind, I ask her and then she says "there’s nothing wrong", I stop and breathe. I realize that frustration is triggered because I want to be right, I want to be assertive in relation to reading x’s behavior through her gestures, voice tonality and non verbal communication. 

I commit myself to stop wanting to read x’s behavior in order to make assumptions.

I commit myself to stop wanting to be right in relation to what I perceive from x’s behavior.

I commit myself to just listen to her answer, give it some time and then just move on, because it is her responsibility as one to decide to share a point through communication — I can’t and I won’t force anyone.

I commit myself to not want to force people to tell me I’m right when I have perceived a change in their behavior.

I commit myself to take x's body language as a cross reference for myself, as a mirror to introspect myself in relation to what I project onto her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that x thinks within herself “I am not sure whether I want to continue walking with him”.

When and as I see myself thinking, believing and perceiving that x thinks within herself “I am not sure whether I want to continue walking with him”, I stop and breathe. I realize that that thought is coming from the fear of being judged by x because of what I wrote down yesterday. 

I commit myself to stop making assumptions on what x might or might not think, feel or believe.

I commit myself to remind myself that we both have talked about being open, therefore, if there’s something one of us need to talk, we know we have that space to walk the point and find a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "Man, this phone call is feeling weird, we better hang  up" and then, make it personal when x suddenly said that she had some stuff to do so she had to hang up.

When and as I see myself thinking 
"Man, this phone call is feeling weird, we better hang up" and then, make it personal when x suddenly says that she has some stuff to do so she has to hang up, I stop and breathe. I realize that in that moment I am judging as 'abrupt' the way she is cutting off the conversation, plus I go "Yes, she perceived the same uncomfortable feeling between us both, that's why she does not want to continue talking".

I commit myself to not make it personal when conversations on the phone are not going on as usual.

I commit myself to stop judging short conversations as empty with no real depth.

I commit myself to stop thinking and believing that conversations on the phone have to unfold in a specific way in order to be defined as 'a good phone call conversation'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think "Man, I wish we were in person so we could solve this point more easily".

When and as I see myself thinking 
"Man, I wish we were in person so we could solve this point more easily", I stop and breathe. I realize that it's the first time I am feeling weird on the phone, therefore, this is an opportunity for me to learn how to direct specific points that create friction within ourselves when we are apart -- and a good way, it's this one, where I am opening up the point for myself and I am clarifying myself in order to become less mind-based and more real/physical/unconditional.

I commit myself to use the distance to work on the points that take place in my reality in relation to my relationship/agreement.

I commit myself to find solutions in order to be able to communicate and solve specific points as a partnership by first addressing the points within myself. 

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