Part VIII: Quitting Smoking Weed [Day 216]



Today it’s been 4 months without smoking weed, which is cool because I never thought that I would be clean for so long. Well, it’s not that long but to me it’s significant
  considering that I used to smoke weed everyday for the past 3 years. 

I have felt like smoking weed more often, because as I am on vacation I have plenty of free time to do anything I want basically. So, there are moments where I am home, using my computer, watching videos, reading, listening to music and I feel like smoking weed, because I think that if I smoke, I would ‘enjoy’ that moment 10 times more. 

That’s when I immediately tell myself “remember, it’s a polarity game; if you feel 10 times better, sooner or later you will feel 10 times worse”. So, that’s when I am able to see one of the axioms I used to justify my addiction; to make the moments better, like a special ingredient, without enjoying the real and genuine flavor of each moment. 

So, there was this sense of ‘lack’ that I tried to fill in, because I got used to my routine and instead of doing something different to not become ‘bored’, I’d smoke weed to entertain myself. 

So, what I am realizing now is that I have plenty of time to create anything I want in my life. With weed my perception in relation to time was fucked up and it even felt good to procrastinate. Now, when I am not moving myself effectively I realize that I am not pushing myself enough to expand myself and that creates frustration, but at the same time I stop the frustration and go “man, every time I am aware that I am here and that I exist, it’s a chance for me to create the best for myself”. 

It’s not that my life immediately became better by quitting smoking weed. But, at least I got back my ability to breathe here, being sober and really trust that inner stability within myself in order to give myself direction.

I have also noticed a fear existing within myself. That fear appears when I think what would happen if I smoke weed again. And I know the answer. The answer is that I would probably make my addiction worse, because I would go “I already failed, so smoking for a couple of days more wouldn't make any change — I can start again anytime I want in the future”. And also I go “If I smoke weed again, all the progress I have achieved so far would go to the trash — and I don’t want that”. 

So, I am aware of my inner voices, the self-manipulation, the characters that are there waiting to be triggered, so I decide NO, I won’t smoke weed again lol. From my current position, I can prevent all that shit to unfold. And it’s cool to have that vision too, which means that if I succumb to the temptation, I would do it deliberately, which is unacceptable, because I would be harming myself on purpose and that does not support me to heal/change myself to become the best version of myself. 

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that weed is a special ingredient which makes moments much better.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that weed is a special ingredient which makes moments much better, I stop and breathe. I realize that weed is an illusion, because it creates a bubble where everything is fine when actually I am not moving myself effectively and it’s a waste of time where I am not even aware of my breathing, therefore, not being aware of my breathing = not being aware that I exist and that I am actually living here. 

I commit myself to embrace the moments genuinely as they are without thinking that a special ingredient would make things/my life/my moments much better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider smoking weed again so as to make my moments/life more enjoyable. 

When and as I see myself considering smoking weed again so as to make my moments/life more enjoyable, I stop and breathe. I realize that the ‘joy’ that weed brings is only an energetic boost that will fade away eventually and then I will go down.

I commit myself to understand that the ‘joy’ that weed creates is only an illusion, it’s a trap that will eventually make me go down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the moments as they genuinely are.

When and as I see myself not embracing the moments as they genuinely are, I stop and breathe. I realize that if I am not embracing the moment, I am not accepting myself in that moment, which means that there’s something that I am judging instead of accepting. 

I commit myself to find out that which I am judging that makes me define myself as lacking of something so I can create it for and as myself without depending on something external.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that sometimes moments where I am free are boring, that’s why weed would make them 10 times better, even if I am doing nothing productive. 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that sometimes moments where I am free are ‘boring’, that’s why weed would make them 10 times better, even if I am doing nothing productive, I stop and breathe. I realize that if I feel bored it’s because I am not moving myself effectively, I am not embracing the moment or making the necessary effort to change my reality.

I commit myself to understand that if I feel ‘bored’ that means that I am stuck at some point where I am lacking of perspective because I am blind through only seeing through my mind's eyes instead of just breathing here and seeing with my physical eyes.

I commit myself to use the moments where I feel ‘bored’ to push myself to do something where I can expand myself whether enjoying even by just being in bed, reading or listening to music, etc. — because those are moments that I can also embrace and enjoy without needing something ‘fun’ to entertain me or get me distracted. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge being in bed, reading or listening to music as ‘boring’ activities. 

When and as I see myself judging being in bed, reading or listening to music as ‘boring activities’, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have to be able to enjoy my expression in anything I do and if I am not feeling comfortable, then I have to ask myself what changes I can make to become more productive or change my routines, because there are always things I can do no matter they are indoors or outdoors that are productive for myself. 

I commit myself to enjoy the moments where I am in bed reading or listening to music or watching videos.

I commit myself to stop judging myself when I am in bed reading, listening to music or watching videos.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences I could create for myself if I smoke weed again.

When and as I see myself fearing the consequences I could create for myself if I smoke weed again, I stop and breathe. I realize that fear is not necessary, because what it really matters is that I am clear about my decision, clear about the consequences and thus, I can continue living that decision that is the best for me as a conviction in self-honesty and common sense. 

I commit myself to stop fearing the consequences I could create for myself if I smoke weed again.

I commit myself to accept that the consequences I could create for myself if I smoke weed again are not supportive for my process.

I commit myself to continue honoring my commitments in relation to quitting smoking weed and supporting myself through that process.

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