As I have previously mentioned, I am studying a new career. It’s been 3 months now and I am doing well so far. But, 2 weeks ago I had test on a subject called Applied Electricity where apparently we as a class didn’t do that well, because we could not finish the online test within the three hours provided.
I, as a teacher, started analyzing the reason why we as a class failed. At first, I made it kind of personal, going like “maybe it’s only me, I am a slow learner and maybe my classmates did well”, until on a WhatsApp chat we have, some classmates that are ‘really fast mentally speaking’ said that they could only finish 1 exercise out of 4. So, I realized it was not only me.
And one of the main reasons of our low performance was because our teacher included exercises that we didn’t even practice. There were lots of contents included on the test and within our last lesson he even added more and more new contents. After that lesson he went “by next class we can solve one of these before the test”. The point — to make it short — was that 50% of the total mark was based on those exercises that we didn’t even apply/practice for ourselves in order for him to make sure whether we were ready or not cognitively speaking.
Within the learning process there are steps that go from the basics to the more complex. But that didn’t happen. The main problem I see is that the teacher is an engineer and not a teacher, so he does know the contents, but he does not know how to teach them properly. He goes really fast and he misses steps that should be included in the natural learning ability we all humans have.
I decided to ask my classmates about it and they shared that they couldn’t finish the test, that they thought that the teacher wanted to fuck us up, so to speak and etc and etc — so after that, some of my classmates — kind of kidding — said that I was the “official spokesman”, so I decided to contact our tutor who is a lady in charge of listening to the students and to provide solutions and she suggested that I send the teacher an email copied to 2 other guys in charge — and one of them is the principal.
Before I did my move, another classmate contacted the teacher via chat and explained the situation and the teacher said that we could have a ‘make up test’ and more preparation. He spoke with the classmates who attended a lesson in person where I could not attend because we were separated in 2 different groups due to covid. Then, the teacher sent us an email explaining what happened and he offered us a ‘make up test’ which consists on a worksheet that if we finish it and have it all correct, we can add 2 extra points to our previous test mark. He asked us to reply saying if we agreed or not and to also expand on sharing the reasons why.
Previous to that, I had already showed my classmates the points that were important to mention to our teacher and they agreed — not all of them, but enough of them.
So as I had all prepared and written down already, I asked my classmates to not reply, because what the teacher was offering was not a real solution to our learning process.
I sent the email and decided to copied my response to all my classmates, our tutor and the principal. Well, the teacher reacted in a bad way and the situation kind of became worse. He made it personal. To support my ideas I explained that I am a teacher, but in his response he went “if you are a teacher, it’s because you at least studied at university for 4 years and you should know that the contents that are assessed there are extensive” and blah blah.
I explained that the exercises included on the test were not practiced by the students, so it was not a good decision to include them on the test, especially because they were even harder than what he ‘showed’ us. And he went like “within the lesson we saw a circuit with 2 power supplies and within the test the circuit included 3 — so, if 2+2=4, how much is 2+2+2?”
Then he went “I won’t accept your accusations” and blah blah and he even said that he felt offended because I mentioned that we had already told our tutor about it in order to find solutions.
I then replied to his reply in order to clarify some points and then I suggested a personal meeting between him and I, which is going to happen in 10 more hours.
The point is that it seems that most of my classmates don’t support me now. Maybe they are scared, they don’t care or they don’t agree with the outcome. Actually one of them sent a message while he was drunk saying that what was done was not correct because I copied the emails to the principal and our tutor and that based on ethics that’s not correct.
Then another classmate said that he didn’t agree with all the points, because he didn’t prepare himself enough. Today I shared the solutions I am going to present to the teacher tomorrow in order to get suggestions and we are only 5 students out of 23 the ones who support the proposal.
Last weekend I felt left alone and not supported. I experienced the blame through lots of thinking, my solar plexus was so energized that my stomach was contracted so much that I couldn’t even eat properly because I was not hungry.
What has helped me a lot is speaking about it with people in my environment, making sure I am breathing here, writing down self-forgiveness and being prepared for tomorrow — plus my dad who studied Electricity has supported me a lot and he also told me that the method the teacher is using is not appropriate because my dad has also worked teaching those subjects a couple of times during his career. So, it’s like 2 teachers realizing that something’s going wrong within this point.
So, I am going to write down here more self-forgiveness statements in order to be ready for tomorrow so I can make sure I express myself through self-awareness, common sense and not energetically charged. This way I can focus on a solution instead of going into a mind ego battle of winner vs loser.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the teacher is going to act offended and that he is going to question me through a ‘superior’ character in order to defend himself by diminishing me and making me feel guilty, without seeing, realizing and understanding that no one can diminish me if I don’t accept it and allow it — meaning, if that happens it’s because I am not honoring my true expression, my potential and my ability to find solutions based on common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the teacher as someone more superior than me, because I have noticed that he is mentally fast and I have judged myself as slow, as though that was a weak aspect of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming nervous while sharing the presentation I have prepared for tomorrow where I picture myself stuttering, sweating, my face getting red and my non-verbal language showing that I am emotionally unstable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the teacher going “you only represent a few students — why did you say you represent the whole class?, you liar”, without realizing that maybe yeah, I might not represent the whole class, but the students I represent are concerned about this and we need a solution, therefore; the amount of people I represent does not define whether my proposal is right or wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to forget what I am saying and that I will experience moments of long periods of silence where he will take advantage of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to feel superior by telling myself “but I have self-forgiveness, he does not, therefore I am the one who is going to win”, without realizing that it’s not about winning, it’s not about ego — it’s about really being able to express myself in common sense where I see him as an equal and not as an enemy, in order to be clear enough to be understood, focusing here, speaking and moving slow, so I can go step by step where every step is consistent enough to build a whole idea.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear that within our next class we will have in person, my classmates will confront me by blaming me in front of the teacher and that I won’t be able to direct the situation to the best possible outcome.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the teacher is going to distort what I am going to share tomorrow when he speaks with the principal in order to make me look as a mentally ill person, without seeing, realizing and understanding that these are only imaginations that I am creating within my mind — and these are the things that keep me feeling emotionally overwhelmed = my participation in feeding the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as an empowered leader to the eyes of the teacher so he can become emotionally unstable where I can feed my ego while boosting my superior personality, without realizing again that it’s not about winning vs losing, it’s about being clear about the solutions I will present.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have looked the teacher up on the internet in order to create an idea of what he looks like, because as I have never seen him in person (only listened to his voice) I ‘needed’ to know the way he looks so I can activate a personality system based on a cold reading, without seeing, realizing and understanding that the way he looks does not matter and that shouldn’t be a factor that determines whether I feel empowered or not to be able to direct the situation when the meeting is held.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “if the teacher starts attacking or acting like a victim, I will mention that he does not even reply the emails we have sent him, therefore what he is doing is irresponsible”, without realizing that me saying that if he reacts won’t solve anything, because that would trigger more points in him, therefore, I am the one who has to be an example of calmness, common sense and stability.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as a good leader and as an example by my classmates, without realizing that it’s about that, it’s about doing what it has to be done, where the focus is supporting with clarity, common sense and a healthy leadership, not a leadership based on ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “the good side of experiencing these negative emotions is that I am not hungry, therefore I will lose the extra weight I have gained during the pandemic”, without realizing that even though I might be kidding in order to cheer me up, it’s not cool to support such thoughts, because I am not taking good care of my body and me as a whole being.
I commit myself to stop seeing the teacher as someone smarter, faster or better than me.
I commit myself to see the teacher as what he is, another human being as me.
I commit myself to make sure I am breathing here when I am presenting the proposals tomorrow, so I can be more grounded and be self-directive.
I commit myself to embrace the word calmness and stability through breathing here if I start noticing I am going into my mind system.
I commit myself to not look for a leadership based on ego.
I commit myself to stop trying to know how the other person looks like in order to feel good or bad in relation to them.
I commit myself to stop defining myself as better than others because I have the tools of self-forgiveness, because first of all, it does not make me better, in fact; it makes me more Responsible because I am aware of other aspects they might not, plus, self-forgiveness is useless without practical application.